I Haven’t Swam in Warm Water Since Nam. Bachelor Recap Ep. 5

Published February 4, 2014 by jaclynswartz

Sorry for the 1 (or 2?) week hiatus. Last week I was blinded in the last 5 minutes of the show by that girls heinous sequined maxi draw string evening gown and it took me a week to recover.

Now I can see again. Unlike Kelly.

We find ourselves moving along with the girls to Vietnam this week and we get to watch them inorganically immerse themselves into Vietnamese culture in a big game of “Producer Says.”

First up is a date card, and it’s for Renee! AWWW! And it says “Are we a good FIT?” AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! The girls be like, omg, that is SO cute! Pabs is SOOO sweet! The only issue? There is no chance in hell Pabs put that sentence together. That’s aside from the fact that these cards have had the same handwriting since 1972 when the Bachelor premiered.

Renee and Pabs leave to go on their date and it starts out with him pushing her around in a baby stroller. Literally, this sh*t couldn’t have been more awkward unless Renee was sucking on a pacifier. Pabs is excited because he and Renee have so much in common. The laundry list went as follows:

-          I’m 32. She’s 32.

-          We both have children

-          She’s….me!

Aside from the fact that this basically sums up my deal breaker list, I’m pretty sure Renee has more to offer than that Pabby. JUST A GUESS.

After the baby stroller ride ends, they end up at the markets where they walk and fake talk and buy ugly gifts for their children. Literally, what 8-year-old boy would wear that hat? It confused me. Like return to sender, please. That is, unless you are dressing up like Raiden and playing Mortal Kombat in your house and kicking the sh*t out of your friend who is Scorpio and you’re like OMG FINISH HIM. I WANT THAT HAT. SEND ME THAT HAT.

ROUND 2. FIGHT!

ROUND 2. FIGHT!

Back to the markets, Pabs is the sweatiest mother effer I have ever seen. I MEAN, worse than that James Case guy who got under booby sweat through his shirt that one time on the stairs with Des. Which, it’s pretty obvious I never forgot because, until then, I didn’t know guys had big enough tits to produce sweat there. Anyway, dulled out canarie yellow wasn’t really the smartest choice for Pabs to wear, but at least tracking his sweat distracted me from their empty conversation.

Flash forward to dinner and I think they are still sweating profusely. Renee has changed into an iridescent silk dress – which needed to be set on fire. But seriously, ANY OTHER COLOR SILK wouldn’t have done you good?

Pabs makes up more stupid rules about kissing where he, again, contradicts himself more than Lindsay Lohan saying she’s grown up and sober every ten minutes.

Back at the house we hear more girls bitch about wanting 1-1 dates which is extremely annoying because you are in Vietnam surrounded by (some) fun girls and unlimited booze. It’s heaven when you aren’t on the dates! And this is a competition that you want to WIN! Just kidding, it’s a journey of love. And the prize is a Neil Lane ring you’ll have to return in 6 months’ time.

Next is the group date where the girls float around in mini boat baskets in the poop brown river. Not 1 person jumped to partner with Juan, because it’s pretty clear that would be a death sentence where you’d have nothing to talk about.

Clare makes the best of having no friends and makes out with Pabs in the basket in a very awkwardly uncomfortable position. I am glad she made the move, but it didn’t look like anything of Juan’s was moving. And yes, I paused, HERE. It’s such a joy when guys wear shorts.

Hehehehe.

Hehehehe.

After the make out sesh in the smelly river, the girls put on Raiden hats and go into a field. They oooh and ahhh over CROPS! And produce!!! Because, ya know, girls who go on the Bachelor are sooooooooo DTE and love to hunt and gather their food like wildebeests. Cassandra goes into what they are doing for this portion of the date, and how excited she is…which which we all know is complete bulls*it because no gold digger likes to go farming. Or a 20-year-old, no less.

BLAH BLAH BLAH…group date night portion…Kelly says some entertaining comments…BLAH BLAH BLAH. Clare is getting too much attention. Date over.

OR IS IT?!?!??!?!? Clare has just had the best day EVER picking crops and riding in baskets in sewage – she really doesn’t want it to end!!!! So…Clare goes over to Pabs’ suite and decides to wake him up. She reveals that her bucket list item is to swim in warm water at which point all of America cracks up. She clearly wanted to say a different word for ‘swim’ but decided to Disney-fy it for ABC. The benefit? Her stupid effing bucket list. Clare’s life consists of no octopus eating and no hot water. She’s like, Slumdog Millionaire, minus the millionaire.

The two of them going in the ocean and do some dirty things…I just hope for the other girls’ sake she was taking her Valtrex.

Clare’s sub par Courtney imitation leads us into the next date…

Nikki!…Who finally gets the 1-1 date she never ever in a million effing years wanted; rappelling down a cave with Pabs and sweating her ass off while doing so. At least her hair looked cute. Though, it looked slightly cuter in her Interviews than on the real date (but still a good try for matching it! A++). I am not sure what happened during the rest of their date because I was online shopping and got distracted. Not for nothing I bought a really amazing leather shirt. Either way, keep what you’re doing Nikki, looking cute and cracking me up.

Fast forward to the rose ceremony and Pabs’ sells out Clare faster than the Target Missoni Collection. Pabs’ sex and kissing rules are harder to figure out than a game of clue while heavily intoxicated. THEY MAKE NO SENSE. After they BOTH agree to go in the ocean and hook up, Pabs decides he needs to do some damage control for his daughter Cameeeeeeela, and essentially calls Clare a cheap rapey hooker. Not fair. Takes two to tango, bra. Don’t agree with him and in no way shape or form will that excuse what you did. No doubt Camila will be watching that sexcapade on youtube with her cabbage patch kid.

The rose ceremony commences, and apparently curly-haired girl said a couple of words. I missed it. But this is me, still not caring.

Kelly my FAVE gets the boot, which unfortunately I knew was coming…since, much like me, she had minimal conversations with the Bachelor but a TON OF FUN talking sh*t (and being witty) about everything else. Thank you for making this show entertaining KELL. Now I don’t care that I’ll be missing the next two episodes.

My top 3 FOR PABS:

1)      Nikki

2)      Renee

3)      Andi

What did you all think?

Xx

Jac

NO TALKING; except for Tina. Bach Recap Ep 2

Published January 14, 2014 by jaclynswartz

So another week of the bachelor is under our belts and we learned basically negative information about any of these girls thus far. We WERE able to fulfill some quotas though!

The drunk girl: TINA aka Victoria

The mother hen: Renee

The good girl: Andi

The funny girl: Kelly aka my soul sistah

The person who misses their kid and just doesn’t know if they will be able to last after day 3 of being away girl: Former NBA Dancer girl

The nudist model girl: Lucy (Court would be proud!)

The I am trying to be a news anchor but I suck so badly it hurts girl: Amy

Then a whole bunch of in between girls that we haven’t quite met. At least now we know that Molly belongs to Kelly, because up until that blooper scene I’m pretty sure all of America thought that dog was a stray.

1-on-1 Date With Clare:

Carl blindfolds Clare and takes her to a remote location to go sledding in snow like 5 year olds, and then straddle her in a hot tub, like 12 year olds. The whole first portion of the date consisted of fake giggles and shrieks which was a very organic segway into her talking about her deceased dad. This was obviously very sad, don’t get me wrong, but jumping from this topic to making out almost immediately after made me feel like I was stuck in a polar vortex of daddy issues. Carl says that he just “wants her to feel  safe” as he choke holds her in the hot tub. I’m scared. End of date 1. (somewhere in between she gets a rose)

1-1   Date with Kat:

Private jets in week two and we have ourselves a season!!!!!! I like Kat a lot. So far she has given me no reason to believe she der for the wrong reasons. They land at the electric run where they will have to…errr…run, she acts cool about it which is all the reason to get a rose. A guy taking me on a first date to a 5k run is like….I’m the Nick Brody and Carl is the CIA. DON’T TAKE ME TO A RAVE WHERE I AM BEING FILMED…EVER. As they run up to the stage they get touched by a lot of freaks on Molly (not the dog) and then Kat seduces the sh*t out of Carl by showing him her best dance on tables sex moves. Carl grabs the mic and says “KAT! Weeeel you eccccept dees rose!?” and just like that, I realize I will be speaking like this from now until March.

Was it just me or was there legit NO talking on these dates? It confused me a little. I felt like there was a whole portion of Kat’s date that we didn’t see. It’s making it hard for me to blog about AND ITS PISSING ME OFF.

Group Date:

Group dates are the absolute best way to make a fool out of the girls and sees who handles it best. That was essentially the entire purpose of this “models and mutts” exercise. Group dates are effing embarrassing and everyone knows it. BUT WE ARE ON THE BACHELOR AND THE BACHELOR IS A GAME OF YES! I’m so easy going, look at me Carl! I will look soooo ugly and stupid for you in this idiotic costume so that you will definitely fall in love with me!

Lucy walks naked down the street walking dogs, which has absolutely nothing to do with this date at all, but they decided to show randomly show it. Why wasn’t she arrested? I am totally confused.

Kelly gets the worst costume of all – literally putting her long ass Rapunzel hair in a bald cap  – looking like a conehead with shit smeared spots and a unitard. Not sure what this costume had anything to do with modeling, but I mean come, its MUTTS AND MODELS! YAY!

Lucy, Andi, and Carl go naked at one point. Though it’s pretty obvious that the only one who was naked there was Lucy. If Carl had is d*ck out I am pretty sure there would be like 10 more girls fighting to go naked.

Enough about the photo shoot. Enough about girls bitching about their costumes , let’s get to the good stuff.

VICTORIA MEET TINA. TINA MEET VICTORIA. So Tina is what I am going to call Victoria’s drunk alter ego. She probably watched on Monday night and met Tina for the first time so I felt the intro was necessary. Hope they liked eachother! Ya know, as I was watching I was dying but I effing loved it. It was like Acapulco spring break all over again but FOR ALL OF AMERICA TO WATCH AND SEE! The second hand embarrassment was off the chain, and I still think Tina is confused between “I’m a bitch” and “I’m a joke” – BUT – the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Tina is the shit and needs to come out with me this weekend and every weekend going forward. If only she made it to the final 2, she could have had a sit down with Carl’s parents for a serious conversation about her “Life is about straddling things” philosophy.  Also, thanks a lot ABC for jipping me out of more footage of Tina. You can’t show Tina wishing death upon Carl in a commercial and then NOT SHOW IT ON THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN EPPY!

Fast forward to the next day, where Victoria reemerges at a hotel to speak with Carl. I think it was at this point that I realized I wanted Tina back foreva. It’s like I’m such a sucker for I want what I can’t have. Victoria was way more boring than Tina ever was and I immediately ate my words. She gave a half assed apology to Carl which made it sound like she didn’t give an eff at all and would be flying home to BOCA for more Tina being Tina that very night – let’s just hope she doesn’t bring that sh*t to the Boca Beach Club.

Carl sent her home because he is really looking for a stepmom for Cameeeeeeeeeeela. HOW AMAZING WOULD THIS SPIN OFF BE?!? – “TINA BABYSITS CAMEEEELA WHILE CARL BANGS HIS NEW FIANCE” I’d watch that shi*t on repeat just like I do with “I am Britney Jean.”

On a side note, I actually was impressed with Carl. Even though he can’t speak English – Ben would have been the BIGGEST dick about this embarrassing episode. So kudos, Carl. Just another way season 16 got the shaft.

Kelly gets the group rose  – and it’s probs because she looked like a humany doody and acted totes cool about it. Reminded me of when Blakeley had to be the gingerbread man and got the group rose. The only difference was that Blakeley gave Ben the hymen maneuver (THANKS TINA!) in the hot tub, while we didn’t even see Kelly and Carl converse once.

NO TALKING IN CLAAAAAAAAAAASS.

Rose ceremony cocktail party starts and Renee tries to talk girl number 12 off of the ledge. Cassandra is a former dancer for the “NBA” and has a 2 year old son. Kinda awks she had her son like, a day ago. She ends up staying, thanks to Renee’s sanity, and it looks like she sluts it out next week. Can’t wait! Go Mom!

Amy, the rosette shirt offender, doesn’t get a date this week so literally has 3 minutes with Carl to impress him. What she does during this time COULD BE WORSE THAN THAT SHIRT! She says she’s a news anchor (ha) and she then whips out an in person “sizzle reel” which was full of gut wrenching awkwardness and negative sizzle. Puuuuuuuurty clear Amy won’t be with us for much longer at this point. Ron Burgundy could teach her a thing or 2.

Sharleen apologizes for being rude during her acceptance of the first impression rose and Carl is legitimately stunned. Apparently he is the only one in America who didn’t catch on to any sort of social cues from Sharleen. Love this girl. Loved her little peek a boo boobage too in that dress. Opera singer be naughtaaay.

Carl is generally confused.

Carl is generally confused.

Rose ceremony happens and after we stare at some panicky weird facial expressions, Amy and the other girl take a hike.

Not for nothing, Amy’s exit was pretty graceful. She surprised me there.

Not enough focus on this week’ fashion because the rose ceremony happened kind of fast. BUT LUCY WORE LIPSTICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOP 5 in terms of Carl:

1)      CLARE

2)      KAT

3)      ANDI

4)      NIKKI

5)      SHARLEEN

Hopefully there is more TALKING next week so I actually have something to say! UGHHHHHHH. Throw me a friggin bone here.

XX

yoyce

 

TINA EAT YOUR HAM. Bach Recap Ep 1 – Juan Carl

Published January 7, 2014 by jaclynswartz

Remember that freak Casey who was on Laguna Beach for a season? Her sole purpose on the show was to ask her maid to make her a “kess-ahhhh-dill-ah” after school and talk horrible Spanglish to her in an annoying voice. She showed off her gaudy house, fake tan, fake teeth, bleached hair and cheese bedazzled fashion. WELL, that’s basically the job of 40% of these girls.

And I feel like we have a lot more horrible Spanish coming.

Casey Reinhardt forevs!

So let’s start with Juan Carlos (Thanks Lena Dunham). This summer, when they announced that Juan would be THE ONE (notice I did not use a pun there? I’ll get to that) I wrote a blog about why he would be amazing (read it here: http://blondhairdontcare.com/2013/08/06/juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan/) Well, since following him on social media I seriously need to reevaluate that list I wrote, and my life for that matter! Like, who IS that girl (Elyse) that wrote that blog? Jaclyn 6 months ago is not Jaclyn of 2014. WATCH OUT, bitchier than ever.

1)      THE JUAN PUNS ARE OVERKILL. IF YOU ARE STILL PUNNING OUT, we would never be friends. Stop trying too hard. You’re so 2000 and late.

2)      The random caps lock isn’t funny anymore, it’s just annoying.

3)      It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t speak English. GREAT bach material!

4)      He is still a smokeshow but the communication barrier is a ser prob for me.

When I get jealous of Gisele sometimes I have to say, ‘Well, her English isn’t that great..soooo’ and it makes me feel better. Effed up. I know. And that’s what I have to say to myself about Juan Carlos when I compare a side by side of him and Ben Flananananah.

So moving along, Juan Carlos has a daughter, who is like Ricky 2.0. He bought her at the Bachelor store as a test to see what sluts were so desperate to go on TV that they’d be ok to be a mommy at 23. (Oh you can put me in that desperate slut category because I’d be there with bells on for round 2 – which is even more desperate! technically round 3 if you count bachelor pad. OMG what am I doing right now I am COOL I PROMISE.) In other news, I just shoveled a hole 6 feet deep and I’m rolling around in it and giggling.

Anyway, enough about Carl because I hate the cheesey bachelor stuff. Unless you are Sean Lowe doing a half naked montage in the mansion shower I’m so not interested. Add the fact that he can’t speak English….aaaaaaand I’m getting up to refill my wine and eat more cheese. I love cheese. Also, just a note, liiiiiiiiike Sean and Carl definitely aren’t friends – but I’m sure Carl will be at his wedding (with no date obviously! Because the girl who he’s definitely already broken up with has to remain a secret!) Carl just wants to be famous and eff a lot of models – that’s what he does, that’s what he was put on this planet for. And that’s why Lucinda (lucy?) was put on this show…..so he could get closer to Kate Upton (google it)

So as I watched with my A-team bitch bach crew last night, I missed most of the episode because the sh*t we were saying about the show/other bach alumni was quite the distraction. At one point Spivey caught me in a booger/drool moment and then, get this………..funniest story ever………I went to rehab!!!! Just kidding but not really because 2 nights of Bachelor in a row have me with a consecutive hangover headache sitch. Casual black outs on red wine has never been so fun. Hi mom!

This was a fairly calm night 1 (I think? Again, didn’t pay attention to many details) – so let me just get right to it and go through the girls who stood out to me.

Andi – she is gorg. Great style so that’s obviously an added bonus. Her hometown package reciting rehearsed lines in a courtroom gave me second hand embarrassment but other than that you could tell Pabby was pleased. I mean, she stepped out of the limo and the music changed. Nothing says you go girl like getting a music change on the bachelor. She’s obviously going to go far – ABC wasn’t too discrete about that one. If Carl doesn’t pick her, she will be the next bachelorette. GUILT AS CHARGED!

Also – Erica Rose does ‘lawyer’ (if she really is one – still TBD) way funnier.

Speaking of Erica, was I seeing things or were there like at least 14 tiaras last night? Speaking of tiaras, I used to really like the word sparkle. If one of these psychos ruins the word glitter for me I’M GONNA LOSE IT.

Also – WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even know where to begin.

I don’t even know where to begin.

I didn’t look at the girls online bios because that picture of mine scarred me for life so I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. BUT WHAT WAS THIS GIRL THINKING WHEN SHE PUT THIS ON?! Better yet, why does she own it? It’s disgusting. Like did Stevie Wonder make this shirt? Did this girl make it past night one? I really hope she did so that I can see what other heinous articles of clothing she wears. I wonder if she put this on and was like “I think this shirt is so great and perfect to live on google for the rest of my life!” I want to have a sit down talk with her and pick her brain about it. I wouldn’t even let Tierra wear this shirt to her fake engagement party to her fake fiancé.

Nikki – Nikki is my FAVE right now – Wanna know why? Because her hometown package showed her being this cute sweet pediatric nurse in scrubs. Fast forward to the mansion and shes wearing a sexy backless dress (which I liked bt dubs) AND I SPOTTED A SLUTTY SIDE TAT. Then she proceeds to let Carl feel her up with a stethoscope/hand and there you have it – undercover psychopath who is hot. Sign me up. Love you Nikki!

Sharleen – I was told I would like Sharleen by a close friend who knows me (and her) pretty well. At first I was like ummm why would someone think me and an opera singer in a bun would get along? No. Then I watched her for  5 more minutes LOVE her attitude and LOVE Sharleen. Carl’s like, will you accept this rose, and she’s like “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sure” – I dig her honesty and she’s a winner. Her convo with Carl “felt forced” because English is his second language and he probably has a hooked on phonics teacher speaking into an earpiece for him.

Clare – Her pregnancy joke would have been funnier if it was real. But then we would have to take the “Most Sexually Awkward” award away from Jamie Otis and that aint right. Clare is cute, she’ll go far.

I get uncomf just THINKING about it

I get uncomf just THINKING about it

Renee – the most normal single mom we’ve seen (other than Emily Maynard) – and she’s a Pats/Red Sox fan so…SOLD.

Lucy – clearly this girl has had a ton of amazing acid trips. She also forgot her shoes and her makeup. Doesn’t give a fuuuuu*k about anything at all. Except fashion (loved her dress and floral headband – Casey Shteamer is probably having a heart attack over it). Oh and dating cajillionaires. I bet her snapchat didn’t get hacked, bitch! I hope she sticks around because she’s insane.

People I couldn’t stand:

AMY EFFING J – she actually made me physically nauseus. From the airplane feeding bit and talking in baby voices to the bangs and everything in between – I was screaming with discomfort. Whoever put her on this show should be stoned.

There was also a girl who looking like she slipped in a tub of black ink that I couldn’t be bothered by.

OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM THE NIGHT:

A lot of the girls don’t have good names. It was weirding me out – especially after my 4th glass of wine. I think one’s name is Tina. If not, I made that up. I don’t care though, I’m calling someone Tina – just haven’t decided who yet.

Why do the girls still wear gowns? With cutouts? And jewels? I just don’t get it. It’s like they live in a dark hole and then emerge from this hole and go straight to the limo with only the ugliest dress they can find. I also hate pageant girls because it’s very easy to. This probably has something to do with it.

Ginge misheard Carl say her name and accidentally walked up to get a rose that wasn’t hers. Ginge going home night 1 was as shocking as Ricky Martin coming out of the closet.

When Kelly turns to the side she disappears. But I am looking forward to seeing more of her (when she is face forward obvs)

Nikki said Carl was “so easy to talk to” – she can join the liar pool with Christy who said she “loved that he had a daughter”

I want to see more of Christy and Kelly – because I know their names.

Lauren cried a lot and it’s either one of 2 things: too much booze or too much booze.

Surprised he got rid of the Tampa Cheerleader. She was cute – it confuses me.

Like, HELLO?! I think she also speaks spanish for realz.

Like, HELLO?! I think she also speaks spanish for realz.

Green dress girl went home and should have stayed because of the dress alone. Proves that dressing for girls gets you nowhere in life slash the bachelor. (damnit)

FAVE DRESSES IN ORDER OF RANK:

1)      Green Emerald Dress (Christine)

2)      Red Herve Leger (Kat) – though if it were me I would have worn the same dress in the short version

3)      ALC flowy dress (Lucyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)

4)      Long blue Halston Heritage (Andi)

5)      Long Red Nicole Miller dress (Kelly) – I wore this dress in black (in short version obvs) to a wedding, makes the bubs look great

I can’t wait until the girls start fighting.

I love the girl in the preview who is crying in the bathroom, wishes Carl would die…and then in the most heroic fashion EVER Carl finds a word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “……Please”

Hope the girls get tetanus shot before going in that pool! Tehehe anus.

XX

Jac aka yoyce

PS I didn’t proofread this because I am lazy so don’t bother pointing out typos because I don’t care and it’s a waste of both your time and mine. AMEN.

Quit Yo Bitchin’. 20 Things I LOVE about Winter.

Published October 2, 2013 by jaclynswartz

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

So, remember when I found all those flaws in Summer? Because, well, it’s fun to point out imperfections? Well, now all these people are bitching about how Winter is upon us and the cliché weather talk is literally through the roof. THROUGH THE ROOF. I’d rather dissect a fetal pig in bio class than have a conversation about weather. Remember what those things smelled like? Yea, so, you get the point.

Since I am SUCH a positive person (tehe), I really want to stick up for Winter. I mean, what did it ever do to you aside from causing you to be seasonally depressed, hate life, and not want to get up in the morning? It’s so funny when LA people try to rub it in everyone’s faces – “This is why I LOVE LA!” or “LA weather is the best!” – HA! Shut your face. This is our time to shine, remind them that they live in LA, laugh in their face a little, and continue you on your merry way in leather pants and a fur coat. SEE — THERE IS A LOT TO WINTER THAT IS TOADALLY (I think totes is on it’s way out, folks) SO FUN AND COOL AND EXCITING, LIKE, YAYYYYYY! So let’s talk about the 20 things I effing love about winter. Shall we?

1) Everyone gets SO much uglier! This is SO great! Why? Because all you have to do is go for one spray tan and you are instantly better looking than the ugly pale ghosts surrounding you. That is LITERALLY all it takes. Think about the crap you gotta go through in the summer to maintain?! I mean, I am all about minimum investment, MAXIMUM REWARD. Tan mom 4 eva.

My idol.

My idol.

2) It’s ok to be SKAT (skinny-fat). Like oh helloooooooooooooo Lobster Mac and Cheese from Capital Grille. I have been putting you off all summer. Now I get to take you to the face, and no one will notice. THIS IS ALREADY SO FUN. I’M LIKE SOOO EXCITED FOR WINTER AND WE ARE ONLY ON NUMBER 2!

7,500 calories of heaven. PLEASE INSTAGRAM MEEEEE!

7,500 calories of heaven. PLEASE INSTAGRAM MEEEEE!

3) Using the excuse that you are “in a funk” to book random weekend trips. I am already starting this trend. Just booked a trip to Miami and have alerted my friends that this is going to be my faux bachelorette! I MEAN WHAT AN IDEA! This is mainly for 2 reasons: a) an excuse to party uncontrollably (which will probably only strengthen my funk) and b) I love attention (EXCEPT for when people sing “happy birthday” – makes me want to jump out the window).

I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

4)  THE FASHION. I will literally get egged, ketchuped, or flour bombed ANY DAY of the week – don’t care, FUR IS THE TITS!

Get at me.

Get at me.

5) FOOTBALL SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS. Black out followed by black out followed by miz Mondays. But who even cares! You met a ton of new people last weekend, perhaps 25 potential new boyfriends/fiances/husbands, AND you were reunited with your seasonal football watching crew that you missed oh so much this summer. DING DING DING! Winner. Go Badgers. Go Pats.

This is actually a serious matter because Vince just tore his Achilles. But then you just picture Bianca in her bejeweled 75 jersey on her pimped out phone sporting a mohawk, and all is good.

This is actually a serious matter because Vince just tore his Achilles. But then you just picture Bianca in her bejeweled 75 jersey on her pimped out phone sporting a mohawk, and all is good.

6) SKI TRIPS. Hey, shocker of the year, I don’t ski (unless it’s down a street in San Francisco on the Bachelor)! I scared I’ll tear my ACL MCL and other organs that are tearable. BUT GUESS WHAT! I WILL BE A PART OF YOUR SKI TRIPS with bells on. Going up to Vermont and renting a huge house, tons of booze, hot tubs, cute outfits and tons of fun. Not only will I go on your ski trip, but I will reserve and hold the happy hour table for when everyone gets finished skiing at the mountain. Why do I do this? Because, well, Happy Hour is the best thing ever invented, and also this significantly increases my value and worth to the group. What’s that you say? Thanks for holding the table for you you’re having the best day of your life? YEAH! That’s because of me. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Oh. The memories.

Oh. The memories.

7) Homeland. Duh. Side note, I know I have an ugly cry, cuz like, well, all of America basically pointed it out (thanks google alerts! I owe ya one!) but why doesn’t Claire Danes work on hers?! For the love of g-d!  Also, I watched “Masters of Sex” the other night. Little bit of a tangent, but this has been causing me to lose sleep at night. Do actors get “aroused” when they have to film a sex scene with an actress? I mean I was watching this show and I missed the entire plot line because I literally couldn’t get past this. It’s something I have wondered for YEARS. They HAVE to right? I mean they are literally naked and hooking up with each other.

Carrie, nevah looked bettah!

Carrie, nevah looked bettah!

Ok PRETTY BAD. Thanks, Ben!

Ok PRETTY BAD. Thanks, Ben!

Officially peeing in my pants. You're welcome, assholes.

Officially peeing in my pants. You’re welcome, assholes.

JOEL MCHALE HAD A FIELD DAY WITH THIS, and thanks to google, these pics will live on forever.

8) Christmas in New York. Can you let me get sentimental for ONE moment please? Because there is seriously nothing better than this time of year in the city. It’s BEAUTIFUL. Plus, there are a lot of nutella crepe shops that open up (did I just kill the vibe?) – and damn that shit is good.

christmas-angel--new-york_4140_1024x768 111222-LIGHTS-008 xmas2

9) You don’t need to feel like a loser when you sleep in and lose a productive day. Why? Because it’s gross out anyway! Just keep telling yourself that.

tumblr_maiplgZYXz1rqipu4o1_500

10) Daylight savings is a real bitch. You leave for work and its dark out. You come back from work and it’s dark out. WELL WHATEVER! Vampires are soooo chic these days. Plus, most of the population looks better in the dark anyway. True Life.

That is a lot of makeup, Boone!!! #lost.

That is a lot of makeup, Boone!!! #lost.

11) BLANKETS! I EFFING LOVE BLANKETS! Confession: I had a blanky until Senior year of college when my roommates made me throw it out. I literally took it down to the dumpster on Langdon Street, and tossed it. Such a vivid memory and I have regretted it ever since. In other news, here is a great pillow that you should all purchase. I PROM that it doesn’t scream “daddy issues” or “run for the hills.” I mean, fine line, for sure, but the comedic factor might slightly have the edge on what a psychopath you probably are.

At least the boyfriend pillow doesn't talk back. But he's a little soft in the core.

At least the boyfriend pillow doesn’t talk back. But he’s a little soft in the core.

12) Tights absolutely suck the life out of me on a weekend. Let’s be real, they make our heels all slippery and our dresses less slutty – WHO WOULD EVER WANT THAT?! Nobody. So don’t wear em and feel like a rebel. Even if your legs are shaking and your lips are blue. HOWEVER, when are tights ah-mazing? When you are wearing Wolford tights to work. POWER WOMAN. YOU GO GURL. WERK IT. (PS – I hate the word “amaze-balls.” Like literally loathe it, it makes my skin crawl. I don’t know who invented it or why it ever became a “thing.” It’s the dumbest word ever and makes me cringe. If you say it, 99.9% of the time you totally suck and are trying too hard. So retire it, mmkay? Thanks!)

Like, hello! I am in charge, betch.

Like, hello! I am in charge, betch.

13) Halloween! This is actually a joke. I hate dressing up with a passion. So much build up for a crowded annoying night. Last year I REFUSED to partake in the festivities. That’s until the day of when I was peer pressured into going out and then had a heart attack because my avatar costume ripped up the ass (SKAT) and so I threw on a slutty dress with a wig and ended up at Kim Kardashian’s party making out with a stuffed animal snake. WAIT, I THINK I LOVE HALLOWEEN?!

Ummmm, you do you, and I'll do me. Thanks!

Ummmm, you do you, and I’ll do me. Thanks!

14) You get to be the biggest asshole at Starbucks so you feel really important — I MEAN, NO ONE in line knows as much about coffee as you do, RIGHT?! Grande Pumpkin spiced latte in a venti cup, skim milk, extra shot of espresso, extra hot, double cupped and CAN YOU ONLY MAKE IT SLIGHTLY WET? tehehe. (mature). Oh and PS, it’s spelled J-A-C-L-Y-N, BITCH!

IF THE CARAMEL DRIZZLE ISN'T DRIZZLED LIKE SO, I REFUSE TO PAY FOR IT. ALSO WHERE IS MY RED CUP.

IF THE CARAMEL DRIZZLE ISN’T DRIZZLED LIKE SO, I REFUSE TO PAY FOR IT. ALSO WHERE IS MY RED CUP. Love me.

15) SUPERIORITY….when I wear SOREL’S versus UGGS. Other than Tom Brady, there is absolutely nothing attractive about Uggs. They look like they were hand crafted by elves, and needless to say, after a week of wear they smell like shit. The only people who wear uggs are Moms who don’t know better or 1-22 year olds that are either being forced to wear them without their own approval, OR, who wear sweatpants with “JUICY” on the ass, Tiffany’s bracelets, and downed puffy coats. Are you one of these people? Yes?! Then get off my blog.

OMG, I'm so cool I can't take it!

OMG, I’m so cool I can’t take it!

I'm an ugly heinous beast who paired these nasty things with a jean ripped skirt.

I can’t see this chick’s face, but she wears jean ripped skirts paired with these nasty bootlike things called uggs. Oh HELLZ nah.

16) BLONDE ALERT. Are your friends debating dyeing their hair darker for the winter? WELL TELL THEM HELL YES. The darker they go, the more your blonde stands out. Sometimes I feel like I am the only blonde girl who was ever produced. Especially when I hang out with my jewish friends – this feels particularly awesome.

Enough said. Also, Reese, I am obsessed with your children in an unhealthy way.

Enough said. Also, Reese, I am obsessed with your children in an unhealthy way.

17) Snow days!!!!!!!! How much cooler are snow days now than they were back then? Oh yeah ummmm I fake live in New Jersey (sorry I would never “real” live there) and since the trains are shut down I won’t be making it in!!! TIME TO WATCH MAURY AND THE PRICE IS RIGHT. You are NOT the father. This IS cool.

I hope you all have since fired your then agents.

I hope you all have since fired your then agents.

18) Toss those razors, kids! And don’t deny it – the frequency in which you shave your legs has just decreased SIGNIFICANTLY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BUT GOOGLE IS ONE EFFED UP PLACE.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BUT GOOGLE IS ONE EFFED UP PLACE.

19) Not sure if they do this everywhere else in the country, but the vendors who sell the xmas trees on the street are usually very attractive and definitely don’t have an exciting life. Therefore, when you are drunk and on your way home from the bars – flirting and purchasing xmas trees from these dudes is definitely a really sound decision. While they won’t become your husbands (unlike your new football weekend friends!) it makes for a great story when you wake up to a random tree in your living room with a leaf trail from the doorway. In addition, you continue to make those plans to decorate it! It won’t happen, but dream big! (Best 60 bucks I ever spent.)

This could be your boyfriend one night.

This could be your boyfriend one night.

20) INSTAGRAM! What was winter like before instagram? I mean where we didn’t have filters to make us look tan or better looking than we actually are?! Anyway, instagram is essentially a gateway for everyone to just catfish the shit out of each other. My name is “Chastity Noneya” (as in noneya business) and don’t be surprised when Nev calls you on the phone to interview you for “The MTV show Catfish!” – ps – who is more effed up? The morons who are so far beyond stupid and have an online relationship with fake people, or the ones who pretend to be someone else and then have no remorse or guilt? I say the latter, essentially because I will be featured on the upcoming season of catfish. JK, YOU CAN GOOGLE ME. Swartz, out.

LO-FI FOR LIFE.

LO-FI FOR LIFE.

Winter.

Winter.

Listen up kidz, only 8 more months go!!! We can do this. 7 if you count all those fluke global warming scorchers in April. March I’ll probably go somewhere warm again, so, basically only 6 months away. Simple math. It’s BASICALLY tomorrow!

So what are your fave things about winter? Do you AGREE with me? You probably should, because if you don’t, well, I’ll think of something.

XX
Jac

15 TINDER RULES ALL MEN SHOULD KNOW! By Guest Blogger- Kelly Rizzo

Published October 1, 2013 by jaclynswartz
Light my fire.

Light my fire.

HI THIS IS ME JACLYN TALKING. I am a funny bitch, so my friends are too. Kelly decided to take it upon herself to help some bros out/shit on some anonymous dudes who continuously make themselves look losery on tinder. Hey, I am not gonna lie, I signed up for the thing. Solely because it’s fun to play hot or not, and I HAVE been playing that since 98. Whatever, old news. Tinder is the new way to keep busy when you’re home on a Monday night, or out at a girls dinner and need some good topics of conversation. Regardless, the only experience I have had on tinder is meeting a straight up psychopath who then tried to redeem himself a week later when he was drunk and decided to text me again after I very clearly told him to lose my number. Anyway, I’d rather Kelly criticize the Chicago options than me the NYC options, so that I am still technically in the clear. Wait, did I just say I only go on to play hot or not? I also meant to say that I was on there to meet my prince charming. Either way, here she goes.

OK NOW IT’S KELLY TALKING. (Just dumbing it down for my lazy readers).

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Jaclyn’s super fun, partner-in-crime, from Chicago.  I’m also blonde, which is the only reason I’m allowed to guest blog on this forum.  I’ve been single for a bit now, and have had my fair share of dates or relationships but I’m not into the online dating thing… it just freaks me out… mainly because I hate DATING.  God, it’s soooo effing boring! “What do you do? How many siblings do you have? Blah Blah Blah…shoot me.” Usually anyone I date I’ve either known for a while, or we have many mutual friends… so it’s never starting from scratch.  I just DO NOT have the patience. Nor to sound cocky, but I feel I’ve never NEEDED to go online when men are quite plentiful in real-time and space.

Enter Tinder.  It’s kind of online dating… but it’s so much more that that.  It’s a platform for sheer entertainment, remedy from boredom, and the best way to share never ending laughs with your girlfriends (Praise to Apple for inventing the screen shot). Why the laughs you ask?  Well boys… many of you are unaware just how ridiculous you look.  (I’m sure girls can look silly too, but hey, Tinder only allows you to see members of the opposite sex).  If my blog can offer any insight, I’d like to say that I was able to help two lonely souls find love.  So listen up!!

Top 15 Mistakes Men Make When Tinder-ing It Up (In no particular order)

1.  Pics of you with your Granny:  Ok, I may sound like an asshole here but come on.  I love my grandmas more than anyone on Earth.  They are truly wonderful people.  I have a million pics with them… but I don’t put them up on Tinder.  We get you’re trying to show us your “sensitive” side.  But leave Granny out of it… plus I’m not sure the last place she’d want to be displayed, was on Tinder.

2.  Pics with kids: Yes, I’m aware that now I’m a huge asshole… but let me explain.  Many single gals don’t want to date a guy that has kids.  I’m one of them (sorry not sorry).  So if the kids in the pic AREN’T yours, we may THINK they are, and swipe left (meaning you got dissed).  If you do have kids, that’s great, (for you) but once again, probably not a good idea to put pictures of your most cherished and innocent possessions on a dating site where predatorslurk. Smarten up dads…or uncles.

3. Pics of you with another girl:  This is self-explanatory.  If you’re in a relationship, don’t be on Tinder.

4. Pics of you with celebs: Lamest of all.  99% of the time the celeb is not your friend… they probably didn’t want to take the picture with you in the first place, and now they have to end up on your Tinder!? This also goes for pics of you with the Stanley Cup.  Unless you have a matching Stanley Cup ring on your finger, just stop. I can actually smell a real hockey player through my iPhone screen…yes it’s a talent…you will NOT fool me.

(I'm actually going back and forth about if I think this is cool or not. I MEAN ITS FABIO! -Jaclyn)

(I’m actually going back and forth about if I think this is cool or not. I MEAN ITS FABIO! -Jaclyn)

5. Not wearing a shirt:  Let me clarify.  You playing beach volleyball, all sandy and tan, is quite alright… if you have a HOT body.  What is NOT ok are shirtless pics in your house, at the gym, or anywhere else that doesn’t require a bathing suit.  Especially if you’re a gorilla juice-head and you’re flexing while taking a gym selfie…put some clothes on.  No respectable girl wants to see it.  On the other hand, if you’re trying to date Snookie, then keep up the good work.

6. Self Indulgent, existential, or cheesy tag-lines:  We get that you’re trying to sound smart with your Nietzsche or Dalai Lama quotes… but you just sound silly.  Tinder is not a Harvard message board, nor is it a book club.  There will be plenty of time to show off your intellect later.  The tag line is for a brief intro or something funny or eye-catching.  And please don’t cheese it up with “Will you be my Tinderella?” or “If you wanna know, just ask!” um, no thanks.  Now is also the time for good grammar and spelling, get it right.  If you mess up your and you’re, and too and to…X!!  Best line I saw today: “I am a human being and I live in a house.” SOLD!!!

(Scott, you're stupid. -Jaclyn)

(Scott, you’re stupid. -Jaclyn)

7.  Pics of you holding up a fish:  You are not trying to begin a bromance.  You are trying to land a girl.  We. Don’t. Care.

8. Guitar playing pics if you’re NOT a musician:  Unless you’re in an actual band, just don’t go there.  And believe me, we’re smart enough to figure out if your band is legit.  If you have 4 followers on your MySpace music page… this just ain’tgonna work out.

9.  Drinking and Smoking pics:  This may sound hypocritical to people who know me, because I definitely like to party, but this is a FIRST impression.  If there are pics of you chugging out of a bottle or picsof Dom and Crystal…well, there just aren’t enough Affliction shirts on Earth to convey this level of Douchey-ness.

10.  Your face is covered in every pic:  I appreciate that you’re athletic and like outdoor activities, so do I.  But if you’re snowboarding in one pic wearing a helmet and ski mask, and SCUBA diving in the next wearing goggles, and in the last one you’re flying through the air on a wakeboard where we can’t see your face at all… this leads us to one conclusion: You’re unattractive.

(you KNEAD that dough! And keep covering up your face -Jaclyn)

(you KNEAD that dough! And keep covering up your face -Jaclyn)

11.  Blurry/far away:  See #10.  We live in the age of digital cameras and 8 billion mega pixel iPhones.  Take clear pictures or ones that are not from outer space.  This is simple stuff.  If not… well… we think you must be blurry for a reason.

12.  Selfies/Duckface:  You are a MAN.  Women can somewhat get away with selfies… and the occasional duck face.  This is NEVER acceptable for a man.  If you need to take a selfie, this leads us to believe that you have no friends to take a picture for you.  Duck face? Wow, where do I begin!?  It means you’re a douche.NEXT!

13.  Pics of you with your entire frat house:  Ain’tnothing more disappointing than seeing an opening pic of a group of guys and one of them is good looking. Next pic… ugh, he’s not the good-looking one.  Even worse is when EVERY picture has multiple people and we never know which one you are.  Just be honest, guys.  It’s better we know up front.

14.  I don’t click “like” on many guys, and usually when I do, I regret it immediately due to the opening lines.  They’re either incredibly lame, or overly aggressive.  Be respectful and be a gentleman.  Otherwise, you’re immediately blocked.

15. Finally, lying about your age. You have grey hair, wrinkles, and your AARP card is sticking up out of your pocket.  You’re not 31, you’re not fooling anyone.  Be honest and stop embarrassing yourself.  If you’re 51, Tinder may not be for you anyway.

I have many more where this came from, and I have friends adding to the list all the time.  Jaclyn and I would love to hear your feedback and your experiences… so let us know!  I usually am confined to writing about food and music on my blog, so this was a fun departure.  Thanks for having me, Jaclyn! I love you tons you sexy bitch!

Xoxo,

Kelly Rizzo

Twitter- @eattravelrock

Instagram- @eattravelrock

www.EatTravelRockOut.com

Arm Candy Spotlight: Sisco and Berluti Bracelets with BHDC Discount!

Published September 16, 2013 by jaclynswartz

Use code BHDC15 for 15% off the site – valid for a month!

 http://siscoberluti.com/shop/whats-hot.html
You’re welcome.
http://siscoberluti.com/
Either you already know about Sisco and Berluti, or you don’t…but the most important thing is that you ALL know about them now. So there.
These bracelets are designed by sister duo Lisa Sisco and Carolyn Berluti — they literally hand craft each piece that is bought.
 
EVERYONE is always looking for amazing arm candy, don’t lie. If I see someone with nice stack on their wrist I am immediately envious. Sisco and Bertuli will totally make you the one to be envied, I PROM.
 
There are different celebrity stacks — the one I have is the “Jessica Alba” stack. Great for fall and also to pair with other bracelets:
 
 

Jessica Alba Stack

Jessica Alba Stack

 

Jessica Alba Stack paired with some of my own bracelets.

Jessica Alba Stack paired with some of my own bracelets.

 

 Here are some of my personal faves:
Jessica Alba Stack:
Love Me Do Stack:
Brass Skulls:
(I will be adding this to my Alba stack, but this is a versatile stacker!)
Also, look out for the Pink stack coming in October — 100% proceeds will be donated to breast cancer research. Love these girls already.
TAKE A LOOK at the site and let me know what you guys think!
Happy. Shopping.
XX
Jac

JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN JUAN

Published August 6, 2013 by jaclynswartz

So the new Bachelor was announced last night during the After The Final Rose Special. Ladies and Gents — IT’S JUAN PABLO!!!!!!!!!

Man scarf. Man friggin sexy.

Man scarf. Man friggin sexy.

In both the audience at the taping and at our Herbal Essences viewing party, people’s heads were literally popping off with excitement. I’m talking the chicks AND the dudes. Um ya, equally excited – which obviously got my mind racing. There have been some fiiiiiiiiine looking Bachelors (and some not so fine ones….hint hint) but, let’s focus our attention on the positive, SHALL WE?

Hot enough to make you strip.

Hot enough to make you strip.

Juan Pablo is THE cholula of Bachelors, if you will. Hot, spicy, spanish speaking, will make you sweat….etc. I EFFING LOVE HOT SAUCE. It makes the world go round. However, not everyone likes hot sauce…so mayyyyybe Juan Pablo is not your fave? Either way – IT’S POLL TIME.

This was a tough one for me. Though I love Sean and think he’s a cool dude, my vote isn’t going to him. Though Juan Pablo screams SEX, my vote isn’t going to him (plus we have yet to watch his season). Brad Womack is hot, but I am team Emily. So, I really gotta stick with the OG hottie. MY VOTE GOES TO ANDREW FIRESTONE. MMM MMM GOOD.

I don’t want to have my vote influence your decision, however. So please think long and hard (tehehe, maturity) about your final answer. This poll is EVERYTHING.

Wait did I mention Juan Pablo yet in this post? Not enough? OK GOOD. Because here is the running list of why I effing love Juan Pablo as the new Bachelor.

1) The puns. Puns gotta be number Juan on this list.

2) He’s a soccer player. It’s like, he could knock me up, and the whole saying “he’s gonna be a socca playa!” IS ACTUALLY REAL AND MAKES SENSE.

3) His 5 O’clock shadow.

4) His accent. Even though we won’t understand half the shit he says, it sounds good comin out.

5) This is not a reason I love him, but more so a suggestion. Girls going through finals, who will know if they made the show any day now, SHOULD BE BUYING ROSETTA STONE. All of you. Every. single. one. of. you. Also, be thankful you found out who your Bachelor is going to be over a month prior to leaving for the show. NOT JEALOUS AT ALL.

6) He has a daughter. This is not for me, but will make for some great tweets.

7) He seems pretty confused on the regs. That’s funny.

8) His twitter account is possibly the best thing since sliced bread. With the “jajajajajajajaja’s” and the “jejejejejeje’s,” the random capitalization of words (because he clearly doesn’t understand this concept), and tweets like “Two L.A POLICE officers just came in to my room in the HOTEL to investigate a murder case. I almost CRAP my pants… #firsttime.” I don’t have the heart to tell him that it should be ‘crapped.’

9) Spanish betches love the dramz.

10) Fantasy suite shmantasy suite. We all know he’s doing the girls night 1. That guy Des nixed should come back and retry that Fantasy Suite shtick. Juan Pablo might buy it.

11) Juan minor complaint, he’s GOT to get rid of that trademark “TM” on his twitter handle. It’s so douchey. In addtion, the amount of dudes from Des’s season who have “THEREAL…” in their instagram or twitter handles is seriously alarming. EW.

12) Since he’s an athlete, that means his dates will be sporty and extreme. HAHAHA. These girls are in for some miz times ahead, and we are in for some great laughs at their expense.

13) Does this mean there is a chance he has single soccer player friends? Can they be featured in an eppy? (Elan…)

14) It will be interesting to see, once again, what ABC defines as “Stepmom” material.

15) I want speedos. Lots and lots of man speedos. (Elan, are you taking notes?)

16) Juan and I share a birthday. We are sooo the samesies and automatically compatible (in my head).

17) No but seriously you guys, his random capitalization of words on his tweets is the funniest effing thing ever. Like, what is going on in that mans head? I’m trying to understand his capitalizing system, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. Take a look, and try to dissect it yourself — GUARANTEE you’ll be stumped.

18) We won’t have to listen to any shitty original songs being sung by a man. This was my only concern for Zak. Well that, and too many diaries.

19) Not sure what he carries in it, but it seems as though Juan sports a messenger bag everywhere he goes. This is now cool.

20) And finally……THIS.

Who wears short shorts? JUAN PABLO wears short shorts!

Who wears short shorts? JUAN PABLO wears short shorts!

Can’t wait to see what unfolds next season. I juander if the season will end in a proposal?! (Thanks for that one, Michael Garofola).

Just letting you all know, us season 16 girls are PISSED.

XO

Jaclyn

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