Warm, Salty….Milk and Jimmy Kimmel takes OVER. This is #TheBachelor Ep 3. Recap

Published January 23, 2015 by jaclynswartz

Well it’s good to know that Chris is nice in the morning – because if I was the girl who won I would be watching that and getting really excited to bark orders at that man as soon as I woke up.

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So after Chris does not murder Jimmy for waking him up at probably 3am after 14 minutes of sleep, we pan over to Jimmy entering the house.

Chris is all, there is a new man in your life! And then some chick who is clearly over production starts to guess what it is…”a dog…an animal…a cat…” and Jimmy walks in and everyone squeals like the pigs that will eventually become their only friends when they move to Iowa.

Jimmy will be helping with the dates this week! Yay! The girls are then presented with something called the “amazing” jar, where every time the word is said, 1 dollar is donated to the jar. This is really funny in theory but then I realize that we just have to listen to the girls repeat a different word that they think is WAY more advanced; ‘Extravagant.’ Needless to say hardly any of these girls got over a 400 Verbal on their SATs, and that’s including the girls who were graded on a 2400 scale.

you-is-kind

Have you ever seen Jimmy Kimmel Lie Witness News? Because I would have loved to see Ashley S. absolutely slaughter this.

Also, let’s be honest. I would follow Jimmy around the house like a sad puppy dog and then cling on to his leg as hard as I did when I latched on to a tree my last day of camp. I just have always hated reality I guess.

Don't you leave me. Don't you DARE EFFING LEAVE ME JIMMAYYYYY!

Don’t you leave me. Don’t you DARE EFFING LEAVE ME JIMMAYYYYY!

Kaitlyn gets a 1:1 date with Chris and looks really cute in her crop top and maxi skirt…and, wait for it wait for it….A FLANNEL.

Me at the grocery store:

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Vs

Kaitlyn at the grocery store:

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CROP TOP CITY. I want to go to there.

But for real unlimited ORDERBS (I have a friend who spells it like that) is my idea of an ideal date, but we all know Iowa doesn’t have Costco. It’s going to be like a real life version of Win a Date With Tad Hamilton, with all of the Piggly Wigglys, minus Josh Duhamel, and plus 40 more annoying Topher Grace’s that have since aged and gained 400 pounds.

Jimmy comes over to Chris’ house after they’ve sprinkled pepper on some steaks and made some toast in the toaster. Kaitlyn calls Jimmy an asshole for sending them to Costco, but really she’s happy not to be on a helicopter where she repeats the word “wow” over and over while rubbing Chris’ inner thigh. We learn that Kaitlyn will definitely be having sex with Chris if she makes it to the Fantasy Suite which has secured her spot in the final 3.

Chris gives 16 horrible speeches asking Kaitlyn to accept the rose and she gladly accepts even though he’s not a legit farmer like the past cow milkers she has dated.

We then pan over to Jillian working out – making sure to cover up her peen with a black box. She seriously needs to lay off the roids. Her body is way bigger than her head and she looks like those weird dudes from beetlejuice who I still have nightmares about on the regs.

Hi Chris, i'm Jillian. Wanna make out? Didn't think so.

Hi Chris, I’m Jillian. Wanna make out? Didn’t think so.

Next is a group date where they girls have to do a farm relay race in a field. No chance I would have participated. Like just sit there and lift my pinky and then eliminate myself due to the fact that my shoes are not manure friendly. Come on ladies, no man that would ask you to participate in a relay with 6 different types of animal sh*t is someone who you want to marry.

Aside from like 17 cum jokes that were birthed from their interviews, the ladies’ (and man’s) outfits were all over the map.

We have Jillian who is the modern day version of Finkle is Einhorn, Einhorn is Finkle, doing a bad tuck job in her mini shorts requiring a black box to cover it up, once again. Don’t forget the Stay Classy MUSCLE TEE which she adorned with a metal statement necklace. I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep tonight without a heavy dose of ambien.

Kelsey wore a business blouse with leggings and running shoes.

Some others mixed up Prairie with Farmer and I think were a little confused because the only farm book they have ever read was Charlotte’s Web.

Nikki took the cake for best dressed on this date for me.

At the night portion of the date the girls each take Chris to different areas to kiss him so that no one has to talk.

Mackenzie, the resident idiot, is perplexed that Chris is kissing other girls quoting “why is he kissing the other girls?.” OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. Is this chick living inside a Wee Sing in Sillyville VHS? I mean some of the alumni of this show are pushing 50 – are you really that dumb that you don’t know how this show works? And beyond that point even more dumb that you went on a national TV show that you knew nothing about?

You are living in a land that needs to get its colors back!

You are living in a land that needs to get its colors back!

I usually try to keep my real sh*t talking for private text messages to my friends that include entire camera rolls of other peoples pathetic instagram photos, but I really couldn’t hold it in about Mackenzie. Yes she may be 12, and yes she may have been blacked out when she named her child, but if I lived in that house there is no way I could be within 100 feet of her.

Moving along, the girls all eat Chris’ face, with the exception of Becca who wants to take things in real world pace and wants to wait to smooch. Let’s just say you have to look like Becca in order for this strategy to work out, so WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Did anyone else notice that Jillian wants to bang Britt? Her hands are always on her like a psychotic boyfriend. Next thing you know she’s tattooing B R I T T across her muscular chest with a pen and fingering her on a rollercoaster to wild horses. We all know that’s followed by killing her best guy friend and cutting off her dogs head. Fun times ahead for you, Britt!

You're probs gonna need a restraining order.

You’re probs gonna need a restraining order.

Back at the house we see Whitney get her 1:1 date card and she cries tears of joy. It’s basically the way I cried when I went on dates with Ben but for completely different reasons.

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I’m not gonna lie, I cried when Whitney cried when she got the date. I proceeded to slap myself 72 times but I will say that Whitney is a good friend of mine and I could just see how effing happy she was and it literally melted my ice cold heart.

Whitney and Chris go and have some wine and my only take away was how hard he laughed at YOLO. There is only one word worse than YOLO, and its YOPO.

Whitney and Chris go to crash a wedding, and HOLY UPDO WHIT, nailed it! Looking gorg. They head straight to the head table where Chris proceeds to EFF UP THE ENTIRE PLAN, and Whitney is a stand up gal for not beating the shit out of him then and there. Chris and Whitney do some awkward dance moves and then Whitney almost murders half of the women there to grab the bouquet FOR HER STATS! Numbers gal. The only thing missing was Whitney giving Chris the good ol’ OTPHJ and some great imitations of the stage 5 clinger from Wedding Crashers.

It’s clear Whitney and Chris have a natural connection and he feels really comfortable around her. And like, while I’m trying not to be biased for blog purposes, GO WHITNEY GOOO!

So, the 3 with roses are Kaitlyn, Becca and Whitney.

Jimmy drops the horrible news that there will be NO COCKTAIL PARTY – which yields the same irrational reactions as his videos where parents tell their kids they ate all their Halloween candy. He then proceeds to talk to them like I do my cleaning lady and say “YOU     LIIIIIKE   POOOOOL?”

The girls get in their sluttiest bikinis/black boxes and put on their ugliest of ugly headpieces. We also learn where the girls grew up judging by who shows up to the party in bikinis and heels, and who doesn’t.

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I am not going to get into the details of Juelia’s poolside conversation, because suicide is absolutely never a joking matter, but I did feel extremely uncomfortable because I felt like I was getting a large dose of personal information that I am not sure I was prepared for. I know on this show you are pressed for time but I just think this was a serious case of #toosoon.

My heart and thoughts go out to Juelia, as I know what it is like to be blindsided by mental illness and suicide – something that we will never fully understand.

This still does not excuse that headband.

The rest of the girls turn into rabid dogs and try to dryhump Chris in all locations of the girls mansion and the bachelor house.

Aside from the headband and trash tat mafia, we have Jade in formal wedding wear white stilettos and a nude bra that some/I claim to be boobie. We paused the tv and took photos (KEWL, I KNOW! #thisis30), rewinded 6 times and came to an agree to disagree conclusion. Can we stop focusing on DEFLATEGATE and start focusing on BOOBGATE?

All the girls are liiiike….

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After Ashley I has a schizo episode, she proceeds to bite off Chris’ face once again — almost taking it to double homicide status by falling off a balcony with her rabid aggression. Looks like this girl never practiced making out with her hand in the 6th grade. Something that Kim Kardashian started doing in the womb, but with a banana.

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In the end some girls go home who will remain no names and we are left with some more girls who are inching towards the grand prize of a Hyena laugh for life.

Top 5 for Chris:

  • Whitney
  • Kaitlyn
  • Becca
  • Carly
  • Britt

Best dressed honorable mention because they haven’t shown her talking ONCE, but I spy those clothes and they should not go ignored…(the TRUE winner in my eyes)

Samantha

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Let me know what you guys think!

XO
Jac

Drunk Philosphies and Hairy Man Butts – This is #TheBachelor Ep 2 Recap.

Published January 13, 2015 by jaclynswartz

We open the episode with a laid back Chris who conveniently forgot to wear a shirt under his zip up hoodie. This was very traumatic for the room full of girls I was sitting with. I mean mainly because it looked really homoerotic but also because I had major concerns about how cold the zipper must have been on Chris’ skin.

Also, this.

We open with a cliffhanger that no one cared about because there are so many damn yoga instructors who can even tell the difference at this point. Moral of the story is that Chris takes back a girl who he eliminated night one, only to eliminate again episode 2. But Chris is so nice guys, he just wanted Kimberly to make some new friends.

The girls finally move in to the mansion, which I am sure they were super excited about at the time – like AHHHH the mansion!!!!! All you japs who read my blog and went to sleepaway camp can just picture the first day of camp. The bitchy girls kick everyone’s ass to get in there first and rearrange all of the beds to put the cool kids together while the losers watch on. I was a pro. Cool corner 4 lyfe.

The best part about the mansion is that it looks good on the outside, but once you get up close and personal, you realize a lot of it is fake. Like Heidi Montag or 75% of the girls on this show. The flowers are fake, the driveway is not permanently wet and they will be knee deep in backed up water in a lesbo group shower in only a days time. Except for Britt.

The first group date is tractor racing in downtown LA…..In bikinis of course, so that we have things to talk shit about in the privacy of our own homes. The race was boring as f*ck because the tractors were slower than a  Fischer-Price car powered by your cramped up legs.

This date is so fun.

This date is so fun.

The most shocking part about this date is that none of the chicks did their hair. There were like 3 girls who showed up to the date looking like how I show up to the tanning salon.

Mackenzie wins extra time on the night portion of the date where she talks about Aliens and noses, I think? The conversation was a snoozer and Chris probably has more chemistry with a corpse. But she gets the rose because this is the Bachelor and negative chemistry means maybe she can be my wife.

Mackenzie is all nervous to break the news to Chris that she has a child, because, you know, baggage – but the real concern for me is that she named her son after a spinach trend that is probably gonna go out of style around the same time that everyone realizes Gluten Free is just an excuse to be anorexic. So here’s to hoping Kale is not a red head because then he DEFINITELY won’t be able to pull that name off. Cheers!

Chris chooses Megan to go on a 1-1 date to the Grand Canyon via a really ridiculously beautiful heli ride. Megan is a cute girl but there were a few things wrong with this date. WIFEBEATER. I haven’t worn a wife beater since college when I would cut a slit down the neck for extra slut factor so it seems like a great choice for a date on national tv. If I were on this season I would be internally high fiving myself, like how I did when I saw Jamie Otis’ crunchy hair and pageant dresses.

But seriously, where is she employed as a make up artist? I mean if a make up artist matched my lipstick to my pink wifebeater I would cut a bitch. Well actually I would hope someone would shoot me first for wearing the pink beater. She had a fresh suitcase – like day 3, COME ON! Do better.

Back at the house, a couple of the girls sneak in to Chris’ house which looks like a serious downgrade from past seasons. They had to cut corners in order to pay for Kimmel.

Jillian rubs her scent on Chris’ motorcycle. ABC splurged and black boxed her regions, which we learned may only be because she’s a man with a hairy ass. Jordan, please stay on the screen.

Jordan continues to party her face off, passes out all over the house, and could give 0 f*cks about any sort of date or date card. I forget what her job is but no chance she still has it as of this morning. Family may also be currently disowning. But the best news? I would love to party with you, Jordan. We can take each others pulses and I promise to never ever bring you to the hospital to get your stomach pumped. The most entertaining part of Jordan was watching her upkeep seriously decline as she got drunker and the days went on. By the end of the rose ceremony she looked like she had stuck her head in a toilet and flushed 4 times. Or, Anna Nicole Smith.

The next group date was zombie paintballing….in bikinis. I saw shots of fireball being taken in the limo and couldn’t be more excited for the date to start. Also. Ashley S.

I really don’t know much of what happened on this date other than rewinding Ashley S.’ psychotic rant 16 times. I mean this is real psycho babble philosophy which is clearly a result of too many meds and too much alcohol. I love when crazies don’t know how crazy they are – like they actually have no idea and think they are normal. That’s the vintage crazy sh*t I eat up.

Things like:

“What’s your biggest fear? Jumping?”

“Your leather smells great”

“Boooom. You find your own path, to the truth.”

“You don’t want to gain the whole world but you don’t want to lose the whole world. Ya know?” OH YES totally pickin up what you’re putting down.

Long awkward pauses

Talking to a stray cat

Shes so effing crazy I feel like she has 72 facebook accounts that are each catfishing infiniti people. I would literally cut off my left hand to attend a dinner with Ashley S., Courtney Stodden and a drug dealer. Cringing for 20 straight minutes just so nervous for what was gonna happen next.

Hey honey, is KFC still open?

Hey honey, is KFC still open?

Ashley I. is a virgin, which shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone because she wears her hair half up/half down too much to be sexually active. In case you weren’t sure she was a virgin, she also sucks at kissing and there might be a blazin fire in her crotch. The only girls I know who still wear belly button rings also wear shoes like this:

Straight class but I don't have a hairy ass.

Straight class but I don’t have a hairy ass.

These would have gone nicely with her Egyptian costume which i am pretty sure nutjob ballet teacher wore last week? So much Cache, so little time!

Despite the fact that Ashley wasn’t the best kisser, it’s a big year for awkward kissers – like look at Jamie Otis, she signed up to blindly marry a guy on TV who made her cringe (Not talking about Ben here). Big things are in store for you! And yes, I am absolutely 100% tuning into Married at First Sight: Our First Year, thank you.

At the cocktail party Ashley I. makes chris rub her belly button ring and asks him for 1 wish. All of America wished for it to stop.

Jeueueueueueueueueuelia looks like Adrienne Maloof.

Whitney gives Chris some whiskey which obv guarantees her a rose.

Britt gets a free kiss card and I only can hope the cards continue to escalate. But let’s up the ante. BJ, 10 cents. Have some dignity.

We were all freaking out about how much Britt looks like Vanessa Minillo. But not as much as Nick freaking out he has no more career. Do you think Vanessa is mad that Jessica Simpson got him in his prime? I think about this a lot. Like what happend to the Lachey BROS?! They used to be so cool.

Jordan tries to give one last try to get in with Chris but is so effing hammered the only thing that comes out of her mouth is that she’s only KIND OF a stalker – translation: she’s on her ex’s girlfriend’s brother’s friend’s cousin’s instagram page right now just trolling the sh*t out of it.

Surprise: there are girls named Tracy and Samantha that no one knew existed.

Becca, #teethenvy.

Kaitlyn continues to be hysterical and my friends think she looks like Megan Fox. So in case you are reading this Kaitlyn, HAPPY TUESDAY!

Jillian falls during the rose ceremony, while going up for a rose that wasn’t meant to be hers. The only thing more uncomfortable than this screw up is how long after she laughed about it.

Tara gets eliminated and then cries harder when she hears the girls cheers-ing which made me laugh uncontrollably, because that actually does happen ALL the time and it never doesn’t suck. With that I leave you with the fact that I made it long enough to get 4 shots for foreign countries, only to never make it to any of them.

“I went on the Bachelor and all I got was a malaria shot and possibly herpes” was like my #1 line upon returning home.

I prayed so badly that Jimmy Kimmel was actually Chris Bukowski so I had enough material to make fun of him for another 365 days.

My top 5 as of week 2 for Chris:

1) Britt

2) Becca

3) Ashley S (In hopes he keeps her long enough for us to watch her HASHTAG UNRAVEL)

4) Whitney

5) Kaitlyn

Let me know what you think!

XO

Jaclyn

Marry, Shuck, Kill: An E! True Hollywood Story (Bachelor 19 Ep 1)

Published January 8, 2015 by jaclynswartz
This is an awkward photo, but, undeniably hot.

This is an awkward photo, but, undeniably hot.

So it’s been a year, and literally nothing in my life has changed. Other than the fact that I’m probably bitchier and use the excuse that I am now a “Midwesterner” to cover that up. Chicago has been fun…the food is sub par, and the girls are uglier than New York…so all in all, a win.

Now on to #THEBACHELOR! Where the wine is a flowin and the bitches be blowin….their one liners, that is.

RECAP EPISODE 1: Naked and Afraid

Do you watch Naked and Afraid? Well you should, because it’s literally the most perplexing show in the entire universe. I mean at least on Double Dare you got a shitty vacation with your family for making a fool of yourself. Well, on Naked and Afraid you literally get NO PRIZE for being naked, with a partner, in some effed up location struggling to survive for 21 days….the prize? BUG BITES IN YOUR VAG, HOSPITALIZATIONS, SKIN BOILS AND SOME MEANINGLESS RATING WHICH NOT EVEN YOUR GRANDMA WILL APPRECIATE…

That is how I envision the grand prize of living in Iowa. With the way Chris describes it…I am not too keen on the idea of relocation. He’s 33 and hasn’t met 25 women. Premature fireworks in the fantasy suites this season. Amirightamiright?! We haven’t seen that since………………wait for it…………………Ed.

We open the red carpet event (that I missed because I was on a plane) with the golden children, Catherine and Sean. CAN WE TALK ABOUT CATHERINE’S CAPE?! To die for. I just wanted to rip it off her neck and then slap her for beating me to it. They talked nonsense for a few minutes while some freakaleaks held up hand made signs and all I could think about was: WHEN DID SEAN BECOME A GINGER?! Remember this little shayna punam?

Natural Blonde, effing duh!

Natural Blonde, effing duh!

Moving on…

Chris does a great job of introducing us to farming, which consists of fishing in a sewer with Dad, dinner with the rents (7 corn centerpiece!!!!!!), and regressing socially. He says “farming is like planting a seed…plant it, and watch it grow…” and just like that, we excuse the kindergarten teacher from the set and hope the analogies improve.

The puppy who lost his way found himself on The Bachelor.

The puppy who lost his way found himself on The Bachelor. Happily Ever After.

Chris leans and ponders over his motorcycle (NOT A BALCONY OMG I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING MERCURY MUST BE IN RETROGRADE! DONT EAT TOO MUCH TUNA THOUGH, LOTS OF MERCURY THERE. UNLESS YOU’RE AT NOBU) and then rides off into the sunset/7-11 for a slurpie.

We learn more about Arlington, Iowa, and I don’t know about you, but a population of 400 people has me freaking the EFF out. One slip up and you’re Demi Moore in the Scarlett Letter. Whores on Whores on Corn.

Pan over to the awkward red carpet, and I see a disco ball putting on lip gloss/it’s Erica Rose. From Bachelor, to 2 seasons of Bachelor Pad, to whatever show she made up on VH1 and Bravo, girl cannot get away from the camera….and I never want her to leave.

Next we hear from Lacey and yawn….Marcus. I am so glad Lacey dyed her hair darker — BUT OH WAIT? Are those 4 courtesy trashy highlights? I want to punch her hairstylist for playing a mean, mean joke on her client. Brown hair, blonde highlights hasn’t been a good look since Laguna Beach.

We finally make it to hometown packages, here we go!

Britt – a waitress from LA who looks famished….I am sure she is TOTALLY there for the right reasons. Just like I am at McDonalds for a salad. She will later win the first impression rose for reasons unknown, other than distributing free hugs to people who don’t want them.

Jillian – Talked about how she could bench press Chris in the weightroom, and pointed to her muscles for 2 hours.

Amanda – she plays a secret admirer with crazy eyes. Looks like that annoying chick from Princesses of Long Island who was convinced her fiance was straight while the rest of us laughed along. And this:

I'll probs kill you while you're sleeping. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I’ll probs kill you while you’re sleeping. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Whitney – GO WHITNEY GO!!! Did anyone notice the fact that she wore yellow shoes and a black dress for Iowa colors?! Not a mistake. Absolutely smitten over Chris and totally there for the right reasons…why do I know this? She has no idea how the f*ck to work twitter. Hog jokes, baby jokes…whatever, her laugh is contagious…and well, that might have been a snort.

Kelsey – Widow bomb way too soon. Take 5.

Mackenzie – Sporting a perm, and on acid sitting on a rock. Higher than the dude at Coachella who couldn’t get his flip flop on. Has a kid, which means she will be eliminated soon, but not on the first ep, because, you know, rules! Kid’s name is Kale. If Chris is cool with naming her second child GlutenFree Soules, then have at it, buster.

Alyssa – Flight Attendant, but I prefer Stewardess because PC is so lame. If I were Chris I’d pull a Final Destination, get off that plane, and make out with Devon Sawa or Jack from Dawson’s. Upgrade!

Trina – Her hair looked like Dolly Parton on a crack bender.

Ashley I – No chick from Jersey is a virgin. See: Snooki. Up there for best dressed. Smokeshow.

Regan – Carries guts in her cooler instead of beers. Sionara, losery murderer!

Tara – Comes in in a FLANNEL AND JEAN SHORTS. The girls react and honestly, I am floored at how subtle their reaction is. I probably would have turned to stone at first glance of her. MEDUSA!!!! WHO DOESNT WEAR A DRESS!!!!! Later she gets shammered and beats out tons of ‘with-it’ girls for a rose. I love you Chris.

Check me out betches! No dress.

Check me out betches! No dress. I’m drunk. Bai.

Amber – Wore the same dress as my friend Jennifer on my season. Get a hike.

Nikki – Flew in from Peru. Like I just flew in from Peru. I got this rock in Peru. I am sooooo privileged!

NIKKI KNOWS THE OOOOOOWNER

NIKKI KNOWS THE OOOOOOWNER

Oh and hey Nikki:

GO PATS!

GO PATS!

Ashley S – Tried to teach us about layers of an onion but the only thing that is making my eyes tear is that a greatpair of loubs is being wasted on a nut job.

Carly – (Disney Cruise Lines) She came out singing with an easy bake oven and a cupcake dress. It’s pretty clear that the limo was supposed to take her to her debut on “My Super Sweet Sixteen,” where she was supposed to make out with her pimply boyfriend, Chaz, and get a souped up Mercedes in order to make friends.

WHERE THE EFF IS MY CAR MAHHHHHHHHHM

WHERE THE EFF IS MY CAR MAHHHHHHHHHM

Brittany – I wouldn’t be surprised if this chick starred in Sharknado 3 because she smells of Tara Reid desperation. I mean I LOVE for love and lemons dresses, but this outfit was a cry for help. I hope someone hires her a good therapist. Tell John Cena I say hi.

Kara – Wore a Nancy Kerrigan outfit. I will play Tonya Harding. Someone pass me a crow bar.

Jade – HOTTIE. Sexy dress and wore the sh*t out of it.

Kaitlyn – I AM SO THANKFUL SHE’S IN THIS HOUSE. Jokes cheesier than melted mozz, and I want more.

Tracy – A teacher who writes a pretend letter from her students in order to admit to Chris that she’s a psycho with 9 cats.

Hard petter.

I’m a hard petter.

A bunch of these girls went home, and some stuck. Surface level stuff here people….that’s why these are the BEST episodes.

I am not sure who is in Chris’ top 5 right now, so I am going to wait to give my opinion…but until then, please stop saying Prince Farming. Stop trying to make Fetch happen.

Let me know YOUR thoughts on this season below!

XO

Jac

I Haven’t Swam in Warm Water Since Nam. Bachelor Recap Ep. 5

Published February 4, 2014 by jaclynswartz

Sorry for the 1 (or 2?) week hiatus. Last week I was blinded in the last 5 minutes of the show by that girls heinous sequined maxi draw string evening gown and it took me a week to recover.

Now I can see again. Unlike Kelly.

We find ourselves moving along with the girls to Vietnam this week and we get to watch them inorganically immerse themselves into Vietnamese culture in a big game of “Producer Says.”

First up is a date card, and it’s for Renee! AWWW! And it says “Are we a good FIT?” AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! The girls be like, omg, that is SO cute! Pabs is SOOO sweet! The only issue? There is no chance in hell Pabs put that sentence together. That’s aside from the fact that these cards have had the same handwriting since 1972 when the Bachelor premiered.

Renee and Pabs leave to go on their date and it starts out with him pushing her around in a baby stroller. Literally, this sh*t couldn’t have been more awkward unless Renee was sucking on a pacifier. Pabs is excited because he and Renee have so much in common. The laundry list went as follows:

–          I’m 32. She’s 32.

–          We both have children

–          She’s….me!

Aside from the fact that this basically sums up my deal breaker list, I’m pretty sure Renee has more to offer than that Pabby. JUST A GUESS.

After the baby stroller ride ends, they end up at the markets where they walk and fake talk and buy ugly gifts for their children. Literally, what 8-year-old boy would wear that hat? It confused me. Like return to sender, please. That is, unless you are dressing up like Raiden and playing Mortal Kombat in your house and kicking the sh*t out of your friend who is Scorpio and you’re like OMG FINISH HIM. I WANT THAT HAT. SEND ME THAT HAT.

ROUND 2. FIGHT!

ROUND 2. FIGHT!

Back to the markets, Pabs is the sweatiest mother effer I have ever seen. I MEAN, worse than that James Case guy who got under booby sweat through his shirt that one time on the stairs with Des. Which, it’s pretty obvious I never forgot because, until then, I didn’t know guys had big enough tits to produce sweat there. Anyway, dulled out canarie yellow wasn’t really the smartest choice for Pabs to wear, but at least tracking his sweat distracted me from their empty conversation.

Flash forward to dinner and I think they are still sweating profusely. Renee has changed into an iridescent silk dress – which needed to be set on fire. But seriously, ANY OTHER COLOR SILK wouldn’t have done you good?

Pabs makes up more stupid rules about kissing where he, again, contradicts himself more than Lindsay Lohan saying she’s grown up and sober every ten minutes.

Back at the house we hear more girls bitch about wanting 1-1 dates which is extremely annoying because you are in Vietnam surrounded by (some) fun girls and unlimited booze. It’s heaven when you aren’t on the dates! And this is a competition that you want to WIN! Just kidding, it’s a journey of love. And the prize is a Neil Lane ring you’ll have to return in 6 months’ time.

Next is the group date where the girls float around in mini boat baskets in the poop brown river. Not 1 person jumped to partner with Juan, because it’s pretty clear that would be a death sentence where you’d have nothing to talk about.

Clare makes the best of having no friends and makes out with Pabs in the basket in a very awkwardly uncomfortable position. I am glad she made the move, but it didn’t look like anything of Juan’s was moving. And yes, I paused, HERE. It’s such a joy when guys wear shorts.

Hehehehe.

Hehehehe.

After the make out sesh in the smelly river, the girls put on Raiden hats and go into a field. They oooh and ahhh over CROPS! And produce!!! Because, ya know, girls who go on the Bachelor are sooooooooo DTE and love to hunt and gather their food like wildebeests. Cassandra goes into what they are doing for this portion of the date, and how excited she is…which which we all know is complete bulls*it because no gold digger likes to go farming. Or a 20-year-old, no less.

BLAH BLAH BLAH…group date night portion…Kelly says some entertaining comments…BLAH BLAH BLAH. Clare is getting too much attention. Date over.

OR IS IT?!?!??!?!? Clare has just had the best day EVER picking crops and riding in baskets in sewage – she really doesn’t want it to end!!!! So…Clare goes over to Pabs’ suite and decides to wake him up. She reveals that her bucket list item is to swim in warm water at which point all of America cracks up. She clearly wanted to say a different word for ‘swim’ but decided to Disney-fy it for ABC. The benefit? Her stupid effing bucket list. Clare’s life consists of no octopus eating and no hot water. She’s like, Slumdog Millionaire, minus the millionaire.

The two of them going in the ocean and do some dirty things…I just hope for the other girls’ sake she was taking her Valtrex.

Clare’s sub par Courtney imitation leads us into the next date…

Nikki!…Who finally gets the 1-1 date she never ever in a million effing years wanted; rappelling down a cave with Pabs and sweating her ass off while doing so. At least her hair looked cute. Though, it looked slightly cuter in her Interviews than on the real date (but still a good try for matching it! A++). I am not sure what happened during the rest of their date because I was online shopping and got distracted. Not for nothing I bought a really amazing leather shirt. Either way, keep what you’re doing Nikki, looking cute and cracking me up.

Fast forward to the rose ceremony and Pabs’ sells out Clare faster than the Target Missoni Collection. Pabs’ sex and kissing rules are harder to figure out than a game of clue while heavily intoxicated. THEY MAKE NO SENSE. After they BOTH agree to go in the ocean and hook up, Pabs decides he needs to do some damage control for his daughter Cameeeeeeela, and essentially calls Clare a cheap rapey hooker. Not fair. Takes two to tango, bra. Don’t agree with him and in no way shape or form will that excuse what you did. No doubt Camila will be watching that sexcapade on youtube with her cabbage patch kid.

The rose ceremony commences, and apparently curly-haired girl said a couple of words. I missed it. But this is me, still not caring.

Kelly my FAVE gets the boot, which unfortunately I knew was coming…since, much like me, she had minimal conversations with the Bachelor but a TON OF FUN talking sh*t (and being witty) about everything else. Thank you for making this show entertaining KELL. Now I don’t care that I’ll be missing the next two episodes.

My top 3 FOR PABS:

1)      Nikki

2)      Renee

3)      Andi

What did you all think?

Xx

Jac

NO TALKING; except for Tina. Bach Recap Ep 2

Published January 14, 2014 by jaclynswartz

So another week of the bachelor is under our belts and we learned basically negative information about any of these girls thus far. We WERE able to fulfill some quotas though!

The drunk girl: TINA aka Victoria

The mother hen: Renee

The good girl: Andi

The funny girl: Kelly aka my soul sistah

The person who misses their kid and just doesn’t know if they will be able to last after day 3 of being away girl: Former NBA Dancer girl

The nudist model girl: Lucy (Court would be proud!)

The I am trying to be a news anchor but I suck so badly it hurts girl: Amy

Then a whole bunch of in between girls that we haven’t quite met. At least now we know that Molly belongs to Kelly, because up until that blooper scene I’m pretty sure all of America thought that dog was a stray.

1-on-1 Date With Clare:

Carl blindfolds Clare and takes her to a remote location to go sledding in snow like 5 year olds, and then straddle her in a hot tub, like 12 year olds. The whole first portion of the date consisted of fake giggles and shrieks which was a very organic segway into her talking about her deceased dad. This was obviously very sad, don’t get me wrong, but jumping from this topic to making out almost immediately after made me feel like I was stuck in a polar vortex of daddy issues. Carl says that he just “wants her to feel  safe” as he choke holds her in the hot tub. I’m scared. End of date 1. (somewhere in between she gets a rose)

1-1   Date with Kat:

Private jets in week two and we have ourselves a season!!!!!! I like Kat a lot. So far she has given me no reason to believe she der for the wrong reasons. They land at the electric run where they will have to…errr…run, she acts cool about it which is all the reason to get a rose. A guy taking me on a first date to a 5k run is like….I’m the Nick Brody and Carl is the CIA. DON’T TAKE ME TO A RAVE WHERE I AM BEING FILMED…EVER. As they run up to the stage they get touched by a lot of freaks on Molly (not the dog) and then Kat seduces the sh*t out of Carl by showing him her best dance on tables sex moves. Carl grabs the mic and says “KAT! Weeeel you eccccept dees rose!?” and just like that, I realize I will be speaking like this from now until March.

Was it just me or was there legit NO talking on these dates? It confused me a little. I felt like there was a whole portion of Kat’s date that we didn’t see. It’s making it hard for me to blog about AND ITS PISSING ME OFF.

Group Date:

Group dates are the absolute best way to make a fool out of the girls and sees who handles it best. That was essentially the entire purpose of this “models and mutts” exercise. Group dates are effing embarrassing and everyone knows it. BUT WE ARE ON THE BACHELOR AND THE BACHELOR IS A GAME OF YES! I’m so easy going, look at me Carl! I will look soooo ugly and stupid for you in this idiotic costume so that you will definitely fall in love with me!

Lucy walks naked down the street walking dogs, which has absolutely nothing to do with this date at all, but they decided to show randomly show it. Why wasn’t she arrested? I am totally confused.

Kelly gets the worst costume of all – literally putting her long ass Rapunzel hair in a bald cap  – looking like a conehead with shit smeared spots and a unitard. Not sure what this costume had anything to do with modeling, but I mean come, its MUTTS AND MODELS! YAY!

Lucy, Andi, and Carl go naked at one point. Though it’s pretty obvious that the only one who was naked there was Lucy. If Carl had is d*ck out I am pretty sure there would be like 10 more girls fighting to go naked.

Enough about the photo shoot. Enough about girls bitching about their costumes , let’s get to the good stuff.

VICTORIA MEET TINA. TINA MEET VICTORIA. So Tina is what I am going to call Victoria’s drunk alter ego. She probably watched on Monday night and met Tina for the first time so I felt the intro was necessary. Hope they liked eachother! Ya know, as I was watching I was dying but I effing loved it. It was like Acapulco spring break all over again but FOR ALL OF AMERICA TO WATCH AND SEE! The second hand embarrassment was off the chain, and I still think Tina is confused between “I’m a bitch” and “I’m a joke” – BUT – the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Tina is the shit and needs to come out with me this weekend and every weekend going forward. If only she made it to the final 2, she could have had a sit down with Carl’s parents for a serious conversation about her “Life is about straddling things” philosophy.  Also, thanks a lot ABC for jipping me out of more footage of Tina. You can’t show Tina wishing death upon Carl in a commercial and then NOT SHOW IT ON THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN EPPY!

Fast forward to the next day, where Victoria reemerges at a hotel to speak with Carl. I think it was at this point that I realized I wanted Tina back foreva. It’s like I’m such a sucker for I want what I can’t have. Victoria was way more boring than Tina ever was and I immediately ate my words. She gave a half assed apology to Carl which made it sound like she didn’t give an eff at all and would be flying home to BOCA for more Tina being Tina that very night – let’s just hope she doesn’t bring that sh*t to the Boca Beach Club.

Carl sent her home because he is really looking for a stepmom for Cameeeeeeeeeeela. HOW AMAZING WOULD THIS SPIN OFF BE?!? – “TINA BABYSITS CAMEEEELA WHILE CARL BANGS HIS NEW FIANCE” I’d watch that shi*t on repeat just like I do with “I am Britney Jean.”

On a side note, I actually was impressed with Carl. Even though he can’t speak English – Ben would have been the BIGGEST dick about this embarrassing episode. So kudos, Carl. Just another way season 16 got the shaft.

Kelly gets the group rose  – and it’s probs because she looked like a humany doody and acted totes cool about it. Reminded me of when Blakeley had to be the gingerbread man and got the group rose. The only difference was that Blakeley gave Ben the hymen maneuver (THANKS TINA!) in the hot tub, while we didn’t even see Kelly and Carl converse once.

NO TALKING IN CLAAAAAAAAAAASS.

Rose ceremony cocktail party starts and Renee tries to talk girl number 12 off of the ledge. Cassandra is a former dancer for the “NBA” and has a 2 year old son. Kinda awks she had her son like, a day ago. She ends up staying, thanks to Renee’s sanity, and it looks like she sluts it out next week. Can’t wait! Go Mom!

Amy, the rosette shirt offender, doesn’t get a date this week so literally has 3 minutes with Carl to impress him. What she does during this time COULD BE WORSE THAN THAT SHIRT! She says she’s a news anchor (ha) and she then whips out an in person “sizzle reel” which was full of gut wrenching awkwardness and negative sizzle. Puuuuuuuurty clear Amy won’t be with us for much longer at this point. Ron Burgundy could teach her a thing or 2.

Sharleen apologizes for being rude during her acceptance of the first impression rose and Carl is legitimately stunned. Apparently he is the only one in America who didn’t catch on to any sort of social cues from Sharleen. Love this girl. Loved her little peek a boo boobage too in that dress. Opera singer be naughtaaay.

Carl is generally confused.

Carl is generally confused.

Rose ceremony happens and after we stare at some panicky weird facial expressions, Amy and the other girl take a hike.

Not for nothing, Amy’s exit was pretty graceful. She surprised me there.

Not enough focus on this week’ fashion because the rose ceremony happened kind of fast. BUT LUCY WORE LIPSTICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOP 5 in terms of Carl:

1)      CLARE

2)      KAT

3)      ANDI

4)      NIKKI

5)      SHARLEEN

Hopefully there is more TALKING next week so I actually have something to say! UGHHHHHHH. Throw me a friggin bone here.

XX

yoyce

 

TINA EAT YOUR HAM. Bach Recap Ep 1 – Juan Carl

Published January 7, 2014 by jaclynswartz

Remember that freak Casey who was on Laguna Beach for a season? Her sole purpose on the show was to ask her maid to make her a “kess-ahhhh-dill-ah” after school and talk horrible Spanglish to her in an annoying voice. She showed off her gaudy house, fake tan, fake teeth, bleached hair and cheese bedazzled fashion. WELL, that’s basically the job of 40% of these girls.

And I feel like we have a lot more horrible Spanish coming.

Casey Reinhardt forevs!

So let’s start with Juan Carlos (Thanks Lena Dunham). This summer, when they announced that Juan would be THE ONE (notice I did not use a pun there? I’ll get to that) I wrote a blog about why he would be amazing (read it here: http://blondhairdontcare.com/2013/08/06/juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan-juan/) Well, since following him on social media I seriously need to reevaluate that list I wrote, and my life for that matter! Like, who IS that girl (Elyse) that wrote that blog? Jaclyn 6 months ago is not Jaclyn of 2014. WATCH OUT, bitchier than ever.

1)      THE JUAN PUNS ARE OVERKILL. IF YOU ARE STILL PUNNING OUT, we would never be friends. Stop trying too hard. You’re so 2000 and late.

2)      The random caps lock isn’t funny anymore, it’s just annoying.

3)      It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t speak English. GREAT bach material!

4)      He is still a smokeshow but the communication barrier is a ser prob for me.

When I get jealous of Gisele sometimes I have to say, ‘Well, her English isn’t that great..soooo’ and it makes me feel better. Effed up. I know. And that’s what I have to say to myself about Juan Carlos when I compare a side by side of him and Ben Flananananah.

So moving along, Juan Carlos has a daughter, who is like Ricky 2.0. He bought her at the Bachelor store as a test to see what sluts were so desperate to go on TV that they’d be ok to be a mommy at 23. (Oh you can put me in that desperate slut category because I’d be there with bells on for round 2 – which is even more desperate! technically round 3 if you count bachelor pad. OMG what am I doing right now I am COOL I PROMISE.) In other news, I just shoveled a hole 6 feet deep and I’m rolling around in it and giggling.

Anyway, enough about Carl because I hate the cheesey bachelor stuff. Unless you are Sean Lowe doing a half naked montage in the mansion shower I’m so not interested. Add the fact that he can’t speak English….aaaaaaand I’m getting up to refill my wine and eat more cheese. I love cheese. Also, just a note, liiiiiiiiike Sean and Carl definitely aren’t friends – but I’m sure Carl will be at his wedding (with no date obviously! Because the girl who he’s definitely already broken up with has to remain a secret!) Carl just wants to be famous and eff a lot of models – that’s what he does, that’s what he was put on this planet for. And that’s why Lucinda (lucy?) was put on this show…..so he could get closer to Kate Upton (google it)

So as I watched with my A-team bitch bach crew last night, I missed most of the episode because the sh*t we were saying about the show/other bach alumni was quite the distraction. At one point Spivey caught me in a booger/drool moment and then, get this………..funniest story ever………I went to rehab!!!! Just kidding but not really because 2 nights of Bachelor in a row have me with a consecutive hangover headache sitch. Casual black outs on red wine has never been so fun. Hi mom!

This was a fairly calm night 1 (I think? Again, didn’t pay attention to many details) – so let me just get right to it and go through the girls who stood out to me.

Andi – she is gorg. Great style so that’s obviously an added bonus. Her hometown package reciting rehearsed lines in a courtroom gave me second hand embarrassment but other than that you could tell Pabby was pleased. I mean, she stepped out of the limo and the music changed. Nothing says you go girl like getting a music change on the bachelor. She’s obviously going to go far – ABC wasn’t too discrete about that one. If Carl doesn’t pick her, she will be the next bachelorette. GUILT AS CHARGED!

Also – Erica Rose does ‘lawyer’ (if she really is one – still TBD) way funnier.

Speaking of Erica, was I seeing things or were there like at least 14 tiaras last night? Speaking of tiaras, I used to really like the word sparkle. If one of these psychos ruins the word glitter for me I’M GONNA LOSE IT.

Also – WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even know where to begin.

I don’t even know where to begin.

I didn’t look at the girls online bios because that picture of mine scarred me for life so I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. BUT WHAT WAS THIS GIRL THINKING WHEN SHE PUT THIS ON?! Better yet, why does she own it? It’s disgusting. Like did Stevie Wonder make this shirt? Did this girl make it past night one? I really hope she did so that I can see what other heinous articles of clothing she wears. I wonder if she put this on and was like “I think this shirt is so great and perfect to live on google for the rest of my life!” I want to have a sit down talk with her and pick her brain about it. I wouldn’t even let Tierra wear this shirt to her fake engagement party to her fake fiancé.

Nikki – Nikki is my FAVE right now – Wanna know why? Because her hometown package showed her being this cute sweet pediatric nurse in scrubs. Fast forward to the mansion and shes wearing a sexy backless dress (which I liked bt dubs) AND I SPOTTED A SLUTTY SIDE TAT. Then she proceeds to let Carl feel her up with a stethoscope/hand and there you have it – undercover psychopath who is hot. Sign me up. Love you Nikki!

Sharleen – I was told I would like Sharleen by a close friend who knows me (and her) pretty well. At first I was like ummm why would someone think me and an opera singer in a bun would get along? No. Then I watched her for  5 more minutes LOVE her attitude and LOVE Sharleen. Carl’s like, will you accept this rose, and she’s like “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sure” – I dig her honesty and she’s a winner. Her convo with Carl “felt forced” because English is his second language and he probably has a hooked on phonics teacher speaking into an earpiece for him.

Clare – Her pregnancy joke would have been funnier if it was real. But then we would have to take the “Most Sexually Awkward” award away from Jamie Otis and that aint right. Clare is cute, she’ll go far.

I get uncomf just THINKING about it

I get uncomf just THINKING about it

Renee – the most normal single mom we’ve seen (other than Emily Maynard) – and she’s a Pats/Red Sox fan so…SOLD.

Lucy – clearly this girl has had a ton of amazing acid trips. She also forgot her shoes and her makeup. Doesn’t give a fuuuuu*k about anything at all. Except fashion (loved her dress and floral headband – Casey Shteamer is probably having a heart attack over it). Oh and dating cajillionaires. I bet her snapchat didn’t get hacked, bitch! I hope she sticks around because she’s insane.

People I couldn’t stand:

AMY EFFING J – she actually made me physically nauseus. From the airplane feeding bit and talking in baby voices to the bangs and everything in between – I was screaming with discomfort. Whoever put her on this show should be stoned.

There was also a girl who looking like she slipped in a tub of black ink that I couldn’t be bothered by.

OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM THE NIGHT:

A lot of the girls don’t have good names. It was weirding me out – especially after my 4th glass of wine. I think one’s name is Tina. If not, I made that up. I don’t care though, I’m calling someone Tina – just haven’t decided who yet.

Why do the girls still wear gowns? With cutouts? And jewels? I just don’t get it. It’s like they live in a dark hole and then emerge from this hole and go straight to the limo with only the ugliest dress they can find. I also hate pageant girls because it’s very easy to. This probably has something to do with it.

Ginge misheard Carl say her name and accidentally walked up to get a rose that wasn’t hers. Ginge going home night 1 was as shocking as Ricky Martin coming out of the closet.

When Kelly turns to the side she disappears. But I am looking forward to seeing more of her (when she is face forward obvs)

Nikki said Carl was “so easy to talk to” – she can join the liar pool with Christy who said she “loved that he had a daughter”

I want to see more of Christy and Kelly – because I know their names.

Lauren cried a lot and it’s either one of 2 things: too much booze or too much booze.

Surprised he got rid of the Tampa Cheerleader. She was cute – it confuses me.

Like, HELLO?! I think she also speaks spanish for realz.

Like, HELLO?! I think she also speaks spanish for realz.

Green dress girl went home and should have stayed because of the dress alone. Proves that dressing for girls gets you nowhere in life slash the bachelor. (damnit)

FAVE DRESSES IN ORDER OF RANK:

1)      Green Emerald Dress (Christine)

2)      Red Herve Leger (Kat) – though if it were me I would have worn the same dress in the short version

3)      ALC flowy dress (Lucyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)

4)      Long blue Halston Heritage (Andi)

5)      Long Red Nicole Miller dress (Kelly) – I wore this dress in black (in short version obvs) to a wedding, makes the bubs look great

I can’t wait until the girls start fighting.

I love the girl in the preview who is crying in the bathroom, wishes Carl would die…and then in the most heroic fashion EVER Carl finds a word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “……Please”

Hope the girls get tetanus shot before going in that pool! Tehehe anus.

XX

Jac aka yoyce

PS I didn’t proofread this because I am lazy so don’t bother pointing out typos because I don’t care and it’s a waste of both your time and mine. AMEN.

Quit Yo Bitchin’. 20 Things I LOVE about Winter.

Published October 2, 2013 by jaclynswartz

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

So, remember when I found all those flaws in Summer? Because, well, it’s fun to point out imperfections? Well, now all these people are bitching about how Winter is upon us and the cliché weather talk is literally through the roof. THROUGH THE ROOF. I’d rather dissect a fetal pig in bio class than have a conversation about weather. Remember what those things smelled like? Yea, so, you get the point.

Since I am SUCH a positive person (tehe), I really want to stick up for Winter. I mean, what did it ever do to you aside from causing you to be seasonally depressed, hate life, and not want to get up in the morning? It’s so funny when LA people try to rub it in everyone’s faces – “This is why I LOVE LA!” or “LA weather is the best!” – HA! Shut your face. This is our time to shine, remind them that they live in LA, laugh in their face a little, and continue you on your merry way in leather pants and a fur coat. SEE — THERE IS A LOT TO WINTER THAT IS TOADALLY (I think totes is on it’s way out, folks) SO FUN AND COOL AND EXCITING, LIKE, YAYYYYYY! So let’s talk about the 20 things I effing love about winter. Shall we?

1) Everyone gets SO much uglier! This is SO great! Why? Because all you have to do is go for one spray tan and you are instantly better looking than the ugly pale ghosts surrounding you. That is LITERALLY all it takes. Think about the crap you gotta go through in the summer to maintain?! I mean, I am all about minimum investment, MAXIMUM REWARD. Tan mom 4 eva.

My idol.

My idol.

2) It’s ok to be SKAT (skinny-fat). Like oh helloooooooooooooo Lobster Mac and Cheese from Capital Grille. I have been putting you off all summer. Now I get to take you to the face, and no one will notice. THIS IS ALREADY SO FUN. I’M LIKE SOOO EXCITED FOR WINTER AND WE ARE ONLY ON NUMBER 2!

7,500 calories of heaven. PLEASE INSTAGRAM MEEEEE!

7,500 calories of heaven. PLEASE INSTAGRAM MEEEEE!

3) Using the excuse that you are “in a funk” to book random weekend trips. I am already starting this trend. Just booked a trip to Miami and have alerted my friends that this is going to be my faux bachelorette! I MEAN WHAT AN IDEA! This is mainly for 2 reasons: a) an excuse to party uncontrollably (which will probably only strengthen my funk) and b) I love attention (EXCEPT for when people sing “happy birthday” – makes me want to jump out the window).

I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

4)  THE FASHION. I will literally get egged, ketchuped, or flour bombed ANY DAY of the week – don’t care, FUR IS THE TITS!

Get at me.

Get at me.

5) FOOTBALL SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS. Black out followed by black out followed by miz Mondays. But who even cares! You met a ton of new people last weekend, perhaps 25 potential new boyfriends/fiances/husbands, AND you were reunited with your seasonal football watching crew that you missed oh so much this summer. DING DING DING! Winner. Go Badgers. Go Pats.

This is actually a serious matter because Vince just tore his Achilles. But then you just picture Bianca in her bejeweled 75 jersey on her pimped out phone sporting a mohawk, and all is good.

This is actually a serious matter because Vince just tore his Achilles. But then you just picture Bianca in her bejeweled 75 jersey on her pimped out phone sporting a mohawk, and all is good.

6) SKI TRIPS. Hey, shocker of the year, I don’t ski (unless it’s down a street in San Francisco on the Bachelor)! I scared I’ll tear my ACL MCL and other organs that are tearable. BUT GUESS WHAT! I WILL BE A PART OF YOUR SKI TRIPS with bells on. Going up to Vermont and renting a huge house, tons of booze, hot tubs, cute outfits and tons of fun. Not only will I go on your ski trip, but I will reserve and hold the happy hour table for when everyone gets finished skiing at the mountain. Why do I do this? Because, well, Happy Hour is the best thing ever invented, and also this significantly increases my value and worth to the group. What’s that you say? Thanks for holding the table for you you’re having the best day of your life? YEAH! That’s because of me. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Oh. The memories.

Oh. The memories.

7) Homeland. Duh. Side note, I know I have an ugly cry, cuz like, well, all of America basically pointed it out (thanks google alerts! I owe ya one!) but why doesn’t Claire Danes work on hers?! For the love of g-d!  Also, I watched “Masters of Sex” the other night. Little bit of a tangent, but this has been causing me to lose sleep at night. Do actors get “aroused” when they have to film a sex scene with an actress? I mean I was watching this show and I missed the entire plot line because I literally couldn’t get past this. It’s something I have wondered for YEARS. They HAVE to right? I mean they are literally naked and hooking up with each other.

Carrie, nevah looked bettah!

Carrie, nevah looked bettah!

Ok PRETTY BAD. Thanks, Ben!

Ok PRETTY BAD. Thanks, Ben!

Officially peeing in my pants. You're welcome, assholes.

Officially peeing in my pants. You’re welcome, assholes.

JOEL MCHALE HAD A FIELD DAY WITH THIS, and thanks to google, these pics will live on forever.

8) Christmas in New York. Can you let me get sentimental for ONE moment please? Because there is seriously nothing better than this time of year in the city. It’s BEAUTIFUL. Plus, there are a lot of nutella crepe shops that open up (did I just kill the vibe?) – and damn that shit is good.

christmas-angel--new-york_4140_1024x768 111222-LIGHTS-008 xmas2

9) You don’t need to feel like a loser when you sleep in and lose a productive day. Why? Because it’s gross out anyway! Just keep telling yourself that.

tumblr_maiplgZYXz1rqipu4o1_500

10) Daylight savings is a real bitch. You leave for work and its dark out. You come back from work and it’s dark out. WELL WHATEVER! Vampires are soooo chic these days. Plus, most of the population looks better in the dark anyway. True Life.

That is a lot of makeup, Boone!!! #lost.

That is a lot of makeup, Boone!!! #lost.

11) BLANKETS! I EFFING LOVE BLANKETS! Confession: I had a blanky until Senior year of college when my roommates made me throw it out. I literally took it down to the dumpster on Langdon Street, and tossed it. Such a vivid memory and I have regretted it ever since. In other news, here is a great pillow that you should all purchase. I PROM that it doesn’t scream “daddy issues” or “run for the hills.” I mean, fine line, for sure, but the comedic factor might slightly have the edge on what a psychopath you probably are.

At least the boyfriend pillow doesn't talk back. But he's a little soft in the core.

At least the boyfriend pillow doesn’t talk back. But he’s a little soft in the core.

12) Tights absolutely suck the life out of me on a weekend. Let’s be real, they make our heels all slippery and our dresses less slutty – WHO WOULD EVER WANT THAT?! Nobody. So don’t wear em and feel like a rebel. Even if your legs are shaking and your lips are blue. HOWEVER, when are tights ah-mazing? When you are wearing Wolford tights to work. POWER WOMAN. YOU GO GURL. WERK IT. (PS – I hate the word “amaze-balls.” Like literally loathe it, it makes my skin crawl. I don’t know who invented it or why it ever became a “thing.” It’s the dumbest word ever and makes me cringe. If you say it, 99.9% of the time you totally suck and are trying too hard. So retire it, mmkay? Thanks!)

Like, hello! I am in charge, betch.

Like, hello! I am in charge, betch.

13) Halloween! This is actually a joke. I hate dressing up with a passion. So much build up for a crowded annoying night. Last year I REFUSED to partake in the festivities. That’s until the day of when I was peer pressured into going out and then had a heart attack because my avatar costume ripped up the ass (SKAT) and so I threw on a slutty dress with a wig and ended up at Kim Kardashian’s party making out with a stuffed animal snake. WAIT, I THINK I LOVE HALLOWEEN?!

Ummmm, you do you, and I'll do me. Thanks!

Ummmm, you do you, and I’ll do me. Thanks!

14) You get to be the biggest asshole at Starbucks so you feel really important — I MEAN, NO ONE in line knows as much about coffee as you do, RIGHT?! Grande Pumpkin spiced latte in a venti cup, skim milk, extra shot of espresso, extra hot, double cupped and CAN YOU ONLY MAKE IT SLIGHTLY WET? tehehe. (mature). Oh and PS, it’s spelled J-A-C-L-Y-N, BITCH!

IF THE CARAMEL DRIZZLE ISN'T DRIZZLED LIKE SO, I REFUSE TO PAY FOR IT. ALSO WHERE IS MY RED CUP.

IF THE CARAMEL DRIZZLE ISN’T DRIZZLED LIKE SO, I REFUSE TO PAY FOR IT. ALSO WHERE IS MY RED CUP. Love me.

15) SUPERIORITY….when I wear SOREL’S versus UGGS. Other than Tom Brady, there is absolutely nothing attractive about Uggs. They look like they were hand crafted by elves, and needless to say, after a week of wear they smell like shit. The only people who wear uggs are Moms who don’t know better or 1-22 year olds that are either being forced to wear them without their own approval, OR, who wear sweatpants with “JUICY” on the ass, Tiffany’s bracelets, and downed puffy coats. Are you one of these people? Yes?! Then get off my blog.

OMG, I'm so cool I can't take it!

OMG, I’m so cool I can’t take it!

I'm an ugly heinous beast who paired these nasty things with a jean ripped skirt.

I can’t see this chick’s face, but she wears jean ripped skirts paired with these nasty bootlike things called uggs. Oh HELLZ nah.

16) BLONDE ALERT. Are your friends debating dyeing their hair darker for the winter? WELL TELL THEM HELL YES. The darker they go, the more your blonde stands out. Sometimes I feel like I am the only blonde girl who was ever produced. Especially when I hang out with my jewish friends – this feels particularly awesome.

Enough said. Also, Reese, I am obsessed with your children in an unhealthy way.

Enough said. Also, Reese, I am obsessed with your children in an unhealthy way.

17) Snow days!!!!!!!! How much cooler are snow days now than they were back then? Oh yeah ummmm I fake live in New Jersey (sorry I would never “real” live there) and since the trains are shut down I won’t be making it in!!! TIME TO WATCH MAURY AND THE PRICE IS RIGHT. You are NOT the father. This IS cool.

I hope you all have since fired your then agents.

I hope you all have since fired your then agents.

18) Toss those razors, kids! And don’t deny it – the frequency in which you shave your legs has just decreased SIGNIFICANTLY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BUT GOOGLE IS ONE EFFED UP PLACE.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BUT GOOGLE IS ONE EFFED UP PLACE.

19) Not sure if they do this everywhere else in the country, but the vendors who sell the xmas trees on the street are usually very attractive and definitely don’t have an exciting life. Therefore, when you are drunk and on your way home from the bars – flirting and purchasing xmas trees from these dudes is definitely a really sound decision. While they won’t become your husbands (unlike your new football weekend friends!) it makes for a great story when you wake up to a random tree in your living room with a leaf trail from the doorway. In addition, you continue to make those plans to decorate it! It won’t happen, but dream big! (Best 60 bucks I ever spent.)

This could be your boyfriend one night.

This could be your boyfriend one night.

20) INSTAGRAM! What was winter like before instagram? I mean where we didn’t have filters to make us look tan or better looking than we actually are?! Anyway, instagram is essentially a gateway for everyone to just catfish the shit out of each other. My name is “Chastity Noneya” (as in noneya business) and don’t be surprised when Nev calls you on the phone to interview you for “The MTV show Catfish!” – ps – who is more effed up? The morons who are so far beyond stupid and have an online relationship with fake people, or the ones who pretend to be someone else and then have no remorse or guilt? I say the latter, essentially because I will be featured on the upcoming season of catfish. JK, YOU CAN GOOGLE ME. Swartz, out.

LO-FI FOR LIFE.

LO-FI FOR LIFE.

Winter.

Winter.

Listen up kidz, only 8 more months go!!! We can do this. 7 if you count all those fluke global warming scorchers in April. March I’ll probably go somewhere warm again, so, basically only 6 months away. Simple math. It’s BASICALLY tomorrow!

So what are your fave things about winter? Do you AGREE with me? You probably should, because if you don’t, well, I’ll think of something.

XX
Jac

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