Quit Yo Bitchin’. 20 Things I LOVE about Winter.

Published October 2, 2013 by jaclynswartz

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

So, remember when I found all those flaws in Summer? Because, well, it’s fun to point out imperfections? Well, now all these people are bitching about how Winter is upon us and the cliché weather talk is literally through the roof. THROUGH THE ROOF. I’d rather dissect a fetal pig in bio class than have a conversation about weather. Remember what those things smelled like? Yea, so, you get the point.

Since I am SUCH a positive person (tehe), I really want to stick up for Winter. I mean, what did it ever do to you aside from causing you to be seasonally depressed, hate life, and not want to get up in the morning? It’s so funny when LA people try to rub it in everyone’s faces – “This is why I LOVE LA!” or “LA weather is the best!” – HA! Shut your face. This is our time to shine, remind them that they live in LA, laugh in their face a little, and continue you on your merry way in leather pants and a fur coat. SEE — THERE IS A LOT TO WINTER THAT IS TOADALLY (I think totes is on it’s way out, folks) SO FUN AND COOL AND EXCITING, LIKE, YAYYYYYY! So let’s talk about the 20 things I effing love about winter. Shall we?

1) Everyone gets SO much uglier! This is SO great! Why? Because all you have to do is go for one spray tan and you are instantly better looking than the ugly pale ghosts surrounding you. That is LITERALLY all it takes. Think about the crap you gotta go through in the summer to maintain?! I mean, I am all about minimum investment, MAXIMUM REWARD. Tan mom 4 eva.

My idol.

My idol.

2) It’s ok to be SKAT (skinny-fat). Like oh helloooooooooooooo Lobster Mac and Cheese from Capital Grille. I have been putting you off all summer. Now I get to take you to the face, and no one will notice. THIS IS ALREADY SO FUN. I’M LIKE SOOO EXCITED FOR WINTER AND WE ARE ONLY ON NUMBER 2!

7,500 calories of heaven. PLEASE INSTAGRAM MEEEEE!

7,500 calories of heaven. PLEASE INSTAGRAM MEEEEE!

3) Using the excuse that you are “in a funk” to book random weekend trips. I am already starting this trend. Just booked a trip to Miami and have alerted my friends that this is going to be my faux bachelorette! I MEAN WHAT AN IDEA! This is mainly for 2 reasons: a) an excuse to party uncontrollably (which will probably only strengthen my funk) and b) I love attention (EXCEPT for when people sing “happy birthday” – makes me want to jump out the window).

I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

I WANT TO GO TO THERE.

4)  THE FASHION. I will literally get egged, ketchuped, or flour bombed ANY DAY of the week – don’t care, FUR IS THE TITS!

Get at me.

Get at me.

5) FOOTBALL SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS. Black out followed by black out followed by miz Mondays. But who even cares! You met a ton of new people last weekend, perhaps 25 potential new boyfriends/fiances/husbands, AND you were reunited with your seasonal football watching crew that you missed oh so much this summer. DING DING DING! Winner. Go Badgers. Go Pats.

This is actually a serious matter because Vince just tore his Achilles. But then you just picture Bianca in her bejeweled 75 jersey on her pimped out phone sporting a mohawk, and all is good.

This is actually a serious matter because Vince just tore his Achilles. But then you just picture Bianca in her bejeweled 75 jersey on her pimped out phone sporting a mohawk, and all is good.

6) SKI TRIPS. Hey, shocker of the year, I don’t ski (unless it’s down a street in San Francisco on the Bachelor)! I scared I’ll tear my ACL MCL and other organs that are tearable. BUT GUESS WHAT! I WILL BE A PART OF YOUR SKI TRIPS with bells on. Going up to Vermont and renting a huge house, tons of booze, hot tubs, cute outfits and tons of fun. Not only will I go on your ski trip, but I will reserve and hold the happy hour table for when everyone gets finished skiing at the mountain. Why do I do this? Because, well, Happy Hour is the best thing ever invented, and also this significantly increases my value and worth to the group. What’s that you say? Thanks for holding the table for you you’re having the best day of your life? YEAH! That’s because of me. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Oh. The memories.

Oh. The memories.

7) Homeland. Duh. Side note, I know I have an ugly cry, cuz like, well, all of America basically pointed it out (thanks google alerts! I owe ya one!) but why doesn’t Claire Danes work on hers?! For the love of g-d!  Also, I watched “Masters of Sex” the other night. Little bit of a tangent, but this has been causing me to lose sleep at night. Do actors get “aroused” when they have to film a sex scene with an actress? I mean I was watching this show and I missed the entire plot line because I literally couldn’t get past this. It’s something I have wondered for YEARS. They HAVE to right? I mean they are literally naked and hooking up with each other.

Carrie, nevah looked bettah!

Carrie, nevah looked bettah!

Ok PRETTY BAD. Thanks, Ben!

Ok PRETTY BAD. Thanks, Ben!

Officially peeing in my pants. You're welcome, assholes.

Officially peeing in my pants. You’re welcome, assholes.

JOEL MCHALE HAD A FIELD DAY WITH THIS, and thanks to google, these pics will live on forever.

8) Christmas in New York. Can you let me get sentimental for ONE moment please? Because there is seriously nothing better than this time of year in the city. It’s BEAUTIFUL. Plus, there are a lot of nutella crepe shops that open up (did I just kill the vibe?) – and damn that shit is good.

christmas-angel--new-york_4140_1024x768 111222-LIGHTS-008 xmas2

9) You don’t need to feel like a loser when you sleep in and lose a productive day. Why? Because it’s gross out anyway! Just keep telling yourself that.

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10) Daylight savings is a real bitch. You leave for work and its dark out. You come back from work and it’s dark out. WELL WHATEVER! Vampires are soooo chic these days. Plus, most of the population looks better in the dark anyway. True Life.

That is a lot of makeup, Boone!!! #lost.

That is a lot of makeup, Boone!!! #lost.

11) BLANKETS! I EFFING LOVE BLANKETS! Confession: I had a blanky until Senior year of college when my roommates made me throw it out. I literally took it down to the dumpster on Langdon Street, and tossed it. Such a vivid memory and I have regretted it ever since. In other news, here is a great pillow that you should all purchase. I PROM that it doesn’t scream “daddy issues” or “run for the hills.” I mean, fine line, for sure, but the comedic factor might slightly have the edge on what a psychopath you probably are.

At least the boyfriend pillow doesn't talk back. But he's a little soft in the core.

At least the boyfriend pillow doesn’t talk back. But he’s a little soft in the core.

12) Tights absolutely suck the life out of me on a weekend. Let’s be real, they make our heels all slippery and our dresses less slutty – WHO WOULD EVER WANT THAT?! Nobody. So don’t wear em and feel like a rebel. Even if your legs are shaking and your lips are blue. HOWEVER, when are tights ah-mazing? When you are wearing Wolford tights to work. POWER WOMAN. YOU GO GURL. WERK IT. (PS – I hate the word “amaze-balls.” Like literally loathe it, it makes my skin crawl. I don’t know who invented it or why it ever became a “thing.” It’s the dumbest word ever and makes me cringe. If you say it, 99.9% of the time you totally suck and are trying too hard. So retire it, mmkay? Thanks!)

Like, hello! I am in charge, betch.

Like, hello! I am in charge, betch.

13) Halloween! This is actually a joke. I hate dressing up with a passion. So much build up for a crowded annoying night. Last year I REFUSED to partake in the festivities. That’s until the day of when I was peer pressured into going out and then had a heart attack because my avatar costume ripped up the ass (SKAT) and so I threw on a slutty dress with a wig and ended up at Kim Kardashian’s party making out with a stuffed animal snake. WAIT, I THINK I LOVE HALLOWEEN?!

Ummmm, you do you, and I'll do me. Thanks!

Ummmm, you do you, and I’ll do me. Thanks!

14) You get to be the biggest asshole at Starbucks so you feel really important — I MEAN, NO ONE in line knows as much about coffee as you do, RIGHT?! Grande Pumpkin spiced latte in a venti cup, skim milk, extra shot of espresso, extra hot, double cupped and CAN YOU ONLY MAKE IT SLIGHTLY WET? tehehe. (mature). Oh and PS, it’s spelled J-A-C-L-Y-N, BITCH!

IF THE CARAMEL DRIZZLE ISN'T DRIZZLED LIKE SO, I REFUSE TO PAY FOR IT. ALSO WHERE IS MY RED CUP.

IF THE CARAMEL DRIZZLE ISN’T DRIZZLED LIKE SO, I REFUSE TO PAY FOR IT. ALSO WHERE IS MY RED CUP. Love me.

15) SUPERIORITY….when I wear SOREL’S versus UGGS. Other than Tom Brady, there is absolutely nothing attractive about Uggs. They look like they were hand crafted by elves, and needless to say, after a week of wear they smell like shit. The only people who wear uggs are Moms who don’t know better or 1-22 year olds that are either being forced to wear them without their own approval, OR, who wear sweatpants with “JUICY” on the ass, Tiffany’s bracelets, and downed puffy coats. Are you one of these people? Yes?! Then get off my blog.

OMG, I'm so cool I can't take it!

OMG, I’m so cool I can’t take it!

I'm an ugly heinous beast who paired these nasty things with a jean ripped skirt.

I can’t see this chick’s face, but she wears jean ripped skirts paired with these nasty bootlike things called uggs. Oh HELLZ nah.

16) BLONDE ALERT. Are your friends debating dyeing their hair darker for the winter? WELL TELL THEM HELL YES. The darker they go, the more your blonde stands out. Sometimes I feel like I am the only blonde girl who was ever produced. Especially when I hang out with my jewish friends – this feels particularly awesome.

Enough said. Also, Reese, I am obsessed with your children in an unhealthy way.

Enough said. Also, Reese, I am obsessed with your children in an unhealthy way.

17) Snow days!!!!!!!! How much cooler are snow days now than they were back then? Oh yeah ummmm I fake live in New Jersey (sorry I would never “real” live there) and since the trains are shut down I won’t be making it in!!! TIME TO WATCH MAURY AND THE PRICE IS RIGHT. You are NOT the father. This IS cool.

I hope you all have since fired your then agents.

I hope you all have since fired your then agents.

18) Toss those razors, kids! And don’t deny it – the frequency in which you shave your legs has just decreased SIGNIFICANTLY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BUT GOOGLE IS ONE EFFED UP PLACE.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BUT GOOGLE IS ONE EFFED UP PLACE.

19) Not sure if they do this everywhere else in the country, but the vendors who sell the xmas trees on the street are usually very attractive and definitely don’t have an exciting life. Therefore, when you are drunk and on your way home from the bars – flirting and purchasing xmas trees from these dudes is definitely a really sound decision. While they won’t become your husbands (unlike your new football weekend friends!) it makes for a great story when you wake up to a random tree in your living room with a leaf trail from the doorway. In addition, you continue to make those plans to decorate it! It won’t happen, but dream big! (Best 60 bucks I ever spent.)

This could be your boyfriend one night.

This could be your boyfriend one night.

20) INSTAGRAM! What was winter like before instagram? I mean where we didn’t have filters to make us look tan or better looking than we actually are?! Anyway, instagram is essentially a gateway for everyone to just catfish the shit out of each other. My name is “Chastity Noneya” (as in noneya business) and don’t be surprised when Nev calls you on the phone to interview you for “The MTV show Catfish!” – ps – who is more effed up? The morons who are so far beyond stupid and have an online relationship with fake people, or the ones who pretend to be someone else and then have no remorse or guilt? I say the latter, essentially because I will be featured on the upcoming season of catfish. JK, YOU CAN GOOGLE ME. Swartz, out.

LO-FI FOR LIFE.

LO-FI FOR LIFE.

Winter.

Winter.

Listen up kidz, only 8 more months go!!! We can do this. 7 if you count all those fluke global warming scorchers in April. March I’ll probably go somewhere warm again, so, basically only 6 months away. Simple math. It’s BASICALLY tomorrow!

So what are your fave things about winter? Do you AGREE with me? You probably should, because if you don’t, well, I’ll think of something.

XX
Jac

4 comments on “Quit Yo Bitchin’. 20 Things I LOVE about Winter.

  • Fuck you are hilarious

    It always amazes me I’m 21 at university in Toronto and yet everything you say is so spot on.

    Things I really agreed on.
    Footballs Sundays, look I love football always have, I’m the chick who at the beaches is throwing the ball around with all the hot guys ( who doesn’t love a girl with an arm in a bikini who doesn’t just lay on the beach ) and in the winter by excuse to add an extra drinking day to my week and socially with hot men. Know minimal info about “your team” I’m in

    Died laughing (in class) when I read the Starbucks point. (Yes Im reading your blog when I should be listening to the prof

    Glad your back blogging,

    Ps. We need to go on a ski trip together

  • I’m from Toronto too! We love you here– come visit! Definitely skiing around the area, but we don’t have late night Christmas tree vendors that you can bring home pine from, after a post-bar purchase. Niagara Falls is lame, but Niagara-on-the-Lake is all wine (but maybe you got enough of wineries after having to date Sonoma boy, Ben), and very cool.

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