HI THIS IS ME JACLYN TALKING. I am a funny bitch, so my friends are too. Kelly decided to take it upon herself to help some bros out/shit on some anonymous dudes who continuously make themselves look losery on tinder. Hey, I am not gonna lie, I signed up for the thing. Solely because it’s fun to play hot or not, and I HAVE been playing that since 98. Whatever, old news. Tinder is the new way to keep busy when you’re home on a Monday night, or out at a girls dinner and need some good topics of conversation. Regardless, the only experience I have had on tinder is meeting a straight up psychopath who then tried to redeem himself a week later when he was drunk and decided to text me again after I very clearly told him to lose my number. Anyway, I’d rather Kelly criticize the Chicago options than me the NYC options, so that I am still technically in the clear. Wait, did I just say I only go on to play hot or not? I also meant to say that I was on there to meet my prince charming. Either way, here she goes.
OK NOW IT’S KELLY TALKING. (Just dumbing it down for my lazy readers).
For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Jaclyn’s super fun, partner-in-crime, from Chicago. I’m also blonde, which is the only reason I’m allowed to guest blog on this forum. I’ve been single for a bit now, and have had my fair share of dates or relationships but I’m not into the online dating thing… it just freaks me out… mainly because I hate DATING. God, it’s soooo effing boring! “What do you do? How many siblings do you have? Blah Blah Blah…shoot me.” Usually anyone I date I’ve either known for a while, or we have many mutual friends… so it’s never starting from scratch. I just DO NOT have the patience. Nor to sound cocky, but I feel I’ve never NEEDED to go online when men are quite plentiful in real-time and space.
Enter Tinder. It’s kind of online dating… but it’s so much more that that. It’s a platform for sheer entertainment, remedy from boredom, and the best way to share never ending laughs with your girlfriends (Praise to Apple for inventing the screen shot). Why the laughs you ask? Well boys… many of you are unaware just how ridiculous you look. (I’m sure girls can look silly too, but hey, Tinder only allows you to see members of the opposite sex). If my blog can offer any insight, I’d like to say that I was able to help two lonely souls find love. So listen up!!
Top 15 Mistakes Men Make When Tinder-ing It Up (In no particular order)
1. Pics of you with your Granny: Ok, I may sound like an asshole here but come on. I love my grandmas more than anyone on Earth. They are truly wonderful people. I have a million pics with them… but I don’t put them up on Tinder. We get you’re trying to show us your “sensitive” side. But leave Granny out of it… plus I’m not sure the last place she’d want to be displayed, was on Tinder.
2. Pics with kids: Yes, I’m aware that now I’m a huge asshole… but let me explain. Many single gals don’t want to date a guy that has kids. I’m one of them (sorry not sorry). So if the kids in the pic AREN’T yours, we may THINK they are, and swipe left (meaning you got dissed). If you do have kids, that’s great, (for you) but once again, probably not a good idea to put pictures of your most cherished and innocent possessions on a dating site where predatorslurk. Smarten up dads…or uncles.
3. Pics of you with another girl: This is self-explanatory. If you’re in a relationship, don’t be on Tinder.
4. Pics of you with celebs: Lamest of all. 99% of the time the celeb is not your friend… they probably didn’t want to take the picture with you in the first place, and now they have to end up on your Tinder!? This also goes for pics of you with the Stanley Cup. Unless you have a matching Stanley Cup ring on your finger, just stop. I can actually smell a real hockey player through my iPhone screen…yes it’s a talent…you will NOT fool me.
5. Not wearing a shirt: Let me clarify. You playing beach volleyball, all sandy and tan, is quite alright… if you have a HOT body. What is NOT ok are shirtless pics in your house, at the gym, or anywhere else that doesn’t require a bathing suit. Especially if you’re a gorilla juice-head and you’re flexing while taking a gym selfie…put some clothes on. No respectable girl wants to see it. On the other hand, if you’re trying to date Snookie, then keep up the good work.
6. Self Indulgent, existential, or cheesy tag-lines: We get that you’re trying to sound smart with your Nietzsche or Dalai Lama quotes… but you just sound silly. Tinder is not a Harvard message board, nor is it a book club. There will be plenty of time to show off your intellect later. The tag line is for a brief intro or something funny or eye-catching. And please don’t cheese it up with “Will you be my Tinderella?” or “If you wanna know, just ask!” um, no thanks. Now is also the time for good grammar and spelling, get it right. If you mess up your and you’re, and too and to…X!! Best line I saw today: “I am a human being and I live in a house.” SOLD!!!
7. Pics of you holding up a fish: You are not trying to begin a bromance. You are trying to land a girl. We. Don’t. Care.
8. Guitar playing pics if you’re NOT a musician: Unless you’re in an actual band, just don’t go there. And believe me, we’re smart enough to figure out if your band is legit. If you have 4 followers on your MySpace music page… this just ain’tgonna work out.
9. Drinking and Smoking pics: This may sound hypocritical to people who know me, because I definitely like to party, but this is a FIRST impression. If there are pics of you chugging out of a bottle or picsof Dom and Crystal…well, there just aren’t enough Affliction shirts on Earth to convey this level of Douchey-ness.
10. Your face is covered in every pic: I appreciate that you’re athletic and like outdoor activities, so do I. But if you’re snowboarding in one pic wearing a helmet and ski mask, and SCUBA diving in the next wearing goggles, and in the last one you’re flying through the air on a wakeboard where we can’t see your face at all… this leads us to one conclusion: You’re unattractive.
11. Blurry/far away: See #10. We live in the age of digital cameras and 8 billion mega pixel iPhones. Take clear pictures or ones that are not from outer space. This is simple stuff. If not… well… we think you must be blurry for a reason.
12. Selfies/Duckface: You are a MAN. Women can somewhat get away with selfies… and the occasional duck face. This is NEVER acceptable for a man. If you need to take a selfie, this leads us to believe that you have no friends to take a picture for you. Duck face? Wow, where do I begin!? It means you’re a douche.NEXT!
13. Pics of you with your entire frat house: Ain’tnothing more disappointing than seeing an opening pic of a group of guys and one of them is good looking. Next pic… ugh, he’s not the good-looking one. Even worse is when EVERY picture has multiple people and we never know which one you are. Just be honest, guys. It’s better we know up front.
14. I don’t click “like” on many guys, and usually when I do, I regret it immediately due to the opening lines. They’re either incredibly lame, or overly aggressive. Be respectful and be a gentleman. Otherwise, you’re immediately blocked.
15. Finally, lying about your age. You have grey hair, wrinkles, and your AARP card is sticking up out of your pocket. You’re not 31, you’re not fooling anyone. Be honest and stop embarrassing yourself. If you’re 51, Tinder may not be for you anyway.
I have many more where this came from, and I have friends adding to the list all the time. Jaclyn and I would love to hear your feedback and your experiences… so let us know! I usually am confined to writing about food and music on my blog, so this was a fun departure. Thanks for having me, Jaclyn! I love you tons you sexy bitch!