I LOVE LISTS. I LOVE SUMMER. I LOVE CROUTONS. Things I don’t like? Summer putting the pressure on me to leave the croutons OFF of my salad. I WON’T DO IT.
Clearly summer is the best invention ever…especially for those of us who live through all 4 seasons. You just appreciate it THAT much more. LIKE HOW EXCITING IS IT THAT YOU CAN GO 15 SHADES BLONDER AND GET AWAY WITH IT/NOT LOOK LIKE A WASHED OUT ALBINO!? It’s really hard to criticize something so amazing…I feel that way about myself a lot…however, no one is perfect, and neither is summer. So let me revert to my inner (slash overtly outer) cynic and share with you the things that I can’t stand about summer.
1) Girls who wear stilettos with bikinis. Unless you are Heidi Montag (Sidenote: are she and Spencer still alive? I actually always liked her more than LC – not gonna lie. What girl goes by “LC” til the age of 25 anyway?! It’s weird) post 72 plastic surgeries, this is unacceptable and you are a serious joke. Do you know you are a joke? Anyway, it’s totally cool if you are a slut, naturally…but in this case, you are trying too hard to be a slut, and that’s bad. Very bad. K, get outta my face.
2) Aside from the NYC trash stench that is formed when the heat/evaporation/condensation of rotten crap is combined, let’s talk about the weird water puddles that are in NYC. I mean, its a combination of probably boiling hot filth water, trash particles, rat crap, and some sort of soapie substance that was left over from the guy on parole who had to “mop” the sidewalk. I constantly ask myself; what would someone need to pay me in order for me to take a shot of that liquid? I think it would be 10 Million. I go back and forth about it a lot. You aren’t allowed to throw it up. You ARE allowed to get a tetanus shot right after. CLEARLY I have thought long and hard about this (in my head no less). Crazy? Cool.
3) Hamptons hangovers. These are unlike any other hangovers. FOR INSTANCE. I was so hungover I don’t remember packing to come home the other weekend. In turn, I left my Rag & Bone boyfriend jeans there — and did I mention they cost me $297 dollars? DOH!
4) Best hair do on the beach? Side braid. Worst outcome of the best hairdo on the beach? Burnt scalp. HOLY JESUS.
5) UBS. No, not the effing finance company you morons. Under Boob Sweat. The mean stepsister of ULS; upper lip sweat. I mean, when you feel that little trickle down your stomach?! COME ON. Admit it. And no a-holes, this doesn’t mean I have saggy boobs. Actually, au contraire. We are all victim to this – as James demonstrated on the Bachelorette a couple weeks ago.
6) WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE HENNA TATTOOS I HAVE BEEN SEEING?! I thought this was something you ONLY did at 16 on your Rein Teen Tour during the Venice Beach stop because you were feeling rebellious and all out of sorts that you were not allowed at camp that summer?! Unless you are Katherine Heigl on your way to your best friend’s Indian wedding in 27 dresses, just say no.
7) WHY IS IT ALWAYS GORGEOUS OUT MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY AND THEN POURS ON SATURDAY AND SUNDAY?! I’ve been really good this week, God. I prom!
8) Oh hi the color Gray, this is me taking some space from you this Summer. We’re “on a break,” will see how the summer goes without you, but may revisit you in the fall.
9) Tramp stamps. Find your nearest CVS, buy some band aids and cover that shit up or we may all go blind.
10) Girls who think that since it’s “hot and humid” that there is no need to do their hair anymore. Mousse is so ’99. Is there anything grosser than crunchy curls?! VOM. (Some of my friends do this, so please consider this my passive aggressive way of telling you to stop).
11) Chicks in oversized sunglasses. I can’t see you, but I’ll bet you are not attractive.
12) The Subway sucks all 4 seasons of the year, I never like taking it, so I am not going to put it on this list. It’s the grazing of sweaty men that REALLY sets me into murder mode.
13) Speaking of murderers, something I hate about summer is that we learned Aaron Hernandez IS THE WORST MURDERER EVER! On the flip side it’s good to know we share the same interest in cotton candy bubble yum. But Black and Milds?! Come on, that’s 8th grade status. Grow up.
14) There is no sexy way to eat a hot dog with sauerkraut, mustard, and ketchup.
15) Summer small talk. How’s your summer going?! Answer choices: Good, thanks!! –OR –So far, awful. I contracted the clap and it’s been a real bitch to get rid of. However, the scene at the frying pan has been great.
16) Listening to every girl recite what they ate that day because it’s bikini season — who ever said we were all in a food support group all summer?! Eat the cupcake and shutup. Not interested.
17) Speaking of “fat” — I hate the gym, every chick in my soul cycle class is fat, and it’s too hot to run outside. Just kidding, this is a positive and just another excuse for me to not work out.
18) DRINKING BEER IN A BIKINI. This is seriously the worst thing in the world. Guys can’t even begin to understand. Anyway, judge me all you want, I’ll stick to wine.
19) It’s too hot to lay out in this concrete jungle.
20) WHO ARE THESE LOSERS PLAYING ULTIMATE FRISBEE AND JUGGLING BOWLING PINS?!
21) I know it’s cheaper for you to have your wedding on July 4th, but it just makes me hate you.
22) Having friends who are teachers. I really do enjoy talking shit about your profession 10 months of the year (ha you have to get up early, ha you have to be on your feet all day, ha you are basically salary capped), but your payback is so much greater when you get to sit on your ass for 2 months and I cry myself to sleep at night with jealousy.
23) FIT FLOPS. The summer Uggs, if you will. These are the most effing heinous sandals – no way around it. They aren’t stylish, they aren’t cool, and they don’t “go” with anything. Do you seriously think walking around in these awkward looking moon shoes will cause you to lose weight or get fit?! You should check yourself. Plus, if you wear “Fit Flops” to lose weight or stay in shape, you may as well just let yourself go. What a minimalist effort made by you. Your non-existent trainer would be pissed. I JUST GOT SO MAD TALKING ABOUT THIS.
24) The worst in between TV time ever. Game of Thrones has ended, Homeland has not yet started, and all we are left with is Mary Murphy’s shriek of a Hot Tamale Train. Oh and the Bachelorette of course….Zak, call me. BRING BACK BACHELOR PAD.
25) Every weekend there is a mass exodus out of NYC for greener pastures. BUT HOW COME I STILL CAN’T GET A RESERVATION AT ABC KITCHEN!??!?! WTF MOTHER EFFER.
Anyway, there are some of the things that come to mind. As always, I LOVE to hear what your additions would be/what I forgot/how you feel about my list. Discuss amongst ya-selves.
One LAST thing. HOW GOOD DID AMANDA BYNES LOOK FOR HER COURT DATE YESTERDAY!? I mean I can’t get over it. I’m not even kidding in the slightest. Her skin looked flawless. It looked like she took out those weird cheek piercings. The blue wig? I’m a fan, and would seriously wear one if I could pull it off. I don’t care that she was wearing an Alvin Ailey Dance School jersey tank, I now want one. In addition, 107.2 has NEVER looked better on her. I’m so happy for her I could cry. Now, here’s to hoping she still has a nose after 4839248320 nose jobs and 239203904 pounds of blow. It’s too bad she tweeted that the Obama’s were ugly. I mean, I miss the days where she would tweet the President asking to throw out her DUI. I MEAN SHE DOESN’T DRINK, OKKKKKKKKK!!! Sweatpant chic 4eva.