25 Things You Don’t Know About Me. Because US Weekly Didn’t Call.

Published May 3, 2013 by jaclynswartz
"I have little baby tiny mini dwarf hands that are disproportional to my body." Oh wait, I knew that already.

“I have little baby tiny mini dwarf hands that are disproportional to my body.” Oh wait, I knew that already.

So, like, for SOME ungodly reason US Weekly has not approached me to do an exclusive “25 Things You Don’t Know About Jaclyn Swartz” piece (I’m looking at YOU Jen Peros…). I meeeeeean, if you are going to do one on Ryan Lochte, then everyone should have a fair chance of being selected. He probably just wrote “there is much more to me than swimming,” 25 times over.

ANYWAY, ugh, I guess if they aren’t going to do one on me, I feel like it’s my duty to write one myself. As if you haven’t learned enough about me from Bachelor…Bachelor Pad…Facebook…Twitter…Instagram…Four Sqaure…Snap Chat…Vine…here is some more!

1) I despise, I LOATHE raw onions. It’s the smell – they just smell absolutely rancid. I can smell it from a mile away. Outside, inside, doesn’t matter, get those effing things away from me. If you eat them, I judge you. If you eat them in my vicinity, I yell at you. I have hissy fits in the office when I can smell it. They aren’t allowed to be eaten in my apartment, and my coworkers have stopped (FOR THE MOST PART, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) putting them on their salads. Also, why would you CHOOSE to eat raw onions? They make you smell awful. Seriously, a cute girl eating onions? Get a grip, act like a lady. You nastay.

Sidenote: This condition ONLY applies to raw onions. RAW. If you grill em, sautee em, caramelize em…you’re golden!

Hi, it's me, satan. I am the devil.

Hi, it’s me, Satan. I am the devil.

2) I am PETRIFIED of “Characters.” When I was little, my parents took us to Disney World, and we had dinner in one of those Disney Hotels – where the Characters would walk through the restaurant and say hi to all the tables and kids. I was THAT child that was screaming and shrieking and ruining everyone else’s family fun at what is supposed to be the happiest place on earth. NO EFFING CHANCE. Now, when I still see them (and there are a ton in times square) I veer the other way and walk really fast to pass them. I CANNOT look them in the eye. I also can’t really put my finger on why I am so scared of them. Because, in all seriousness, I am totally cool with the fact that the man underneath the costume is a pedophile rapist murderer. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest! It’s more so something about the costume and the fact that they come at you with weird movements and no voice.

Elmo probs has a red rocket in this particular moment, but that's not what scares me.

Elmo probs has a red rocket in this particular scenario, but I’m confident that’s not what scares me.

3) I have a mental disorder called Twitter anxiety. I have serious freak outs when I lose twitter followers. My coworkers are the ones that have to deal with it. It’s a real thing. It’s like, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!?!?!? If I tweet too much, I lose em. If I don’t tweet, I lose em. When I’m brilliantly funny, I friggin lose em. Ashley Tisdale could tweet a picture of a white wall and get 9409503247829 favorites and retweets. WHAT GIVES?! Another annoying thing I do? Brag when my klout score goes up. Ya know, that fake scale of social media coolness that means absolutely nothing and gives you the shittiest of shitty perks ever? Ya, that.

Xannie bars all day erryday.

Xannie bars all day erryday.

4) I LOVE KELLY CLARKSON. When Kell got engaged I was happier than when a lot of people I personally know got engaged. I mean, all those years people thought she was a lesbo! Shame on you. People criticizing her weight! Shame on you. Kell doesn’t give a dog fak. She just is who she is, and continues to make AMAZE songs. Voice of an angel. In the words of Christina “You’re beautiful, just the way you are (Kell).” Note: this does NOT apply to Christina herself.

She can do NO wrong.

She can do NO wrong.

5) My first concert ever was New Kids On The Block with my Dad. I was OBSESSED with Joey MacIntyre. If you were a Jordan Knight kinda girl, EW. That’s like being a J.C. girl. A Kevin girl. A Slater girl. Same diff. Who ever goes for the 2nd best? Oh wait, I know who does…underachievers and losers. ANYWAYS…20 years later, I sat next to Joey at a KELLY CLARKSON CONCERT! We chatted. My 7 year old self was peeing on herself. My 27 year old self wanted to jump his bones. Neither happened. Good and bad I guess. Whatevs.

Is it illegal if this still turns me on?

Is it illegal if this still turns me on?

Stop. It. Right. Now. I can't.

Stop. It. Right. Now. I can’t.

6) I HATE WATER. If you love water, you are lying. It’s tasteless, and so are you. I drink it solely to avoid hospitalization for dehydration. Someone once told me it’s essential or some shit.

7) While the local news drives me absolutely crazy – I think it’s the funniest thing in the world. Are these news anchors for real?! Some of the stories they come up with are so mindnumbingly stupid. I mean, I am convinced that they hire drunk homeless people to drum up their headlines. Is there any way we can cancel the local news?

Well.......THIS is awkward.

Well…….THIS is awkward.

Leprechaun on the loose!!!!!!!!

Leprechaun on the loose!!!!!!!!

"You are so DUMB. Hide ya kids, hide ya wives, and hide ya husbands...cuz their rapin everyone out there!" Thanks, Antoine.

“You are so DUMB. Hide ya kids, hide ya wives, and hide ya husbands…cuz their rapin everyone out there!” Thanks, Antoine.

Ok let’s NOT cancel the local news. I take that back. In a very serious way.

7) I am OBSESSED with good girls gone bad. And no, not the RiRi kind. She’s just a good girl making bad decisions. Amanda Bynes: Case & Point. I am so obsessed with her, I wouldn’t think it was weird if she got a restraining order against me. I talk about her ALL the time. I lose sleep over her well being. I lose sleep over the fact that I haven’t run into her yet. I lose sleep over wondering how she managed to get camel toe in baggy white sweatpants. Where did she purchase her plastic adidas sandals? Lady Foot Locker? Why did she put stones in her face? Why does she think she’s fat? Why is one eye always half closed and the other rolling into the back of her head? Why does she have conversations with herself? Why does she only like her apartment to be lit with red light bulbs? GURL I’D CRY TOO IN GYMNASTICS CLASS IF MY WIG FELL OFF WHEN I TRIED TO DO A CARTWHEEL. It’s obvious I need to do a whole post dedicated to this girl.

Hey sir, which way to slutty hogwarts please?

Hey sir, which way to slutty hogwarts please?

Stop smoking it and go back to normal Amanda from She's The Man and What I Like About You!!! Shoulda never let Zano go.

Stop smoking it and go back to normal Amanda from She’s The Man and What I Like About You!!! Shoulda never let Zano go.

8) I love funky nail polish colors. You would not see me caught dead in ballet slippers, cotton candy, or any other color that should be called “boring” or “suzi says boring.” YOU ARE WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR NAILS. Achem, right now, I am wearing “Butler Please.”

These are not my actual nails. Just some strangers. VISUAL!

These are not my actual nails. Just some strangers. VISUAL!

9) I get my shine on. I am obsessed with sequins, glitter & rhinestones. I also had a minor stroke when playing marry, fuck, kill with these 3 things. It is also sick that I played that game based on sparkles. I should find a hobby. And now that you are all curious…Marry: Rhinestones, Fuck: Sequins, Kill: Glitter. If you don’t understand how you can marry, fuck, or kill these items, take a hike.

Glitter suicide, bitches!

Glitter suicide, bitches!

10) I live my life in organized chaos. When things are put in their appropriate places, I CAN NEVER FIND IT. So, I prefer a little mess. I do clean, but usually for the cleaning lady. One of life’s more perplexing anomalies.

No chance. But continue to dream big!

No chance. But continue to dream big!

11) While my beautiful long tresses are stunningly gorgeous, I cannot take the credit. Because it ain’t mine. I have extensions. They are a life changer. DO IT. Get them. Don’t eat for 3 weeks to pay for em…whatever you need to do. DO it. I also have serious hair envy. This could potentially be 2 separate things about me, but since I enjoy talking about myself, I wanted to save a number.

Fakey McFakerstein.

Fakey McFakerstein. (I’m talking about the hair, not my personality).




Just end my life right then and there, please.

Just end my life right then and there, please.

13) I have a lot of best friends. Just got so many of dem bitches that I gotta bucket them. CATEGORIES people. My best friend from camp, home, college, bachelor, work, the city. SO, when I am constantly saying “she’s my best friend” – just ask from which bucket if you want to know the deets.

Barbie in a bucket. She's totes my best friend from childhood!!

Barbie in a bucket. She’s totes my best friend from childhood!!

15) Which brings me to the fact that I only hang out with pretty people. I want my friends to be good looking. Bottom line. Why would you want to hang out with uglies? You are who your friends are. They are a representation of YOU. It allllllllllllll comes back to yourself. If you hang out with ugly people, that SCREAMS you are insecure. So does changing your profile picture 287 times a day. And you know whats gross? Insecurity.

You're in!

You’re in! Minus the fact that your name is Helen.

16) I have a shopping problem, so join me why don’t you? Peruse my virtual closet here: https://www.stylitics.com/JaclynSwartz

17) I am a straight up weirdo. I recently received the below screen grab from my friend Kelly with a text reading “What is wrong with you.” A humbling moment, maybs. But you know what’s wrong with me? Nothing. When I find something I’m obsessed with, I over-like.  Get over it. Maybe one day it will be you.

I also just showed you how important teeth are. You're welcome.

I also just showed you how important teeth are. You’re welcome.

18) The sound of people clipping their nails does not bother me in the slightest when it is coming from a bathroom. Change up the bathroom scenery and the noise of someone clipping their nails (i.e. in their office) could make me have a heart attack. If you DO clip your nails outside of a bathroom, you are most likely a creeper and probably eat your boogers.

I think I just squashed all defense to the booger eating comment. I mean....

I think I just squashed all defense to the booger eating comment. I mean….

19) That reminds me….I HATE taking the subway. And please don’t push me into the tracks. I stand far behind the yellow line so this doesn’t happen to me. At least push the asshole who’s standing close to the ledge!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!

Beyonce in a cab? Damn right. That's where I belong too.

Beyonce in a cab? Damn right. That’s where I belong too.

20) I love cheese. CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE. “My favorite’s gouda!”- Viola as her twin bro Sebastian (Love ya Bynes, unblock me??)

CheeeEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeze. Didn't we lock you in a dumpster? YEAH. I GOT OUT.

CheeeEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeze. Didn’t we lock you in a dumpster?

21) I am the best tuner outter on the face of this earth. It’s mostly because I am too wrapped up in my own shit and I am also fairly disinterested in what you have to say. Unless I can somehow turn the conversation back on me, chances are I’ve tuned you out, like 5 minutes ago ya ding dong.

Oh, were you talking?

Oh, were you talking?

22) My favorite candy is Sour Patch Kids. Since the package says fat-free, they are also good for you and part of the essential food groups.

I'm hungry

I’m hungry

23) Speaking of candy, I don’t work out. SUCKERS! I tried to work out for like a month about 4 years ago — I got through 2 weeks of going to the gym and COULDN”T STAND washing my hair that much. So I stopped. I went to one Soul Cycle class about a year ago, and while I died and my vj was sore for weeks, I observed that most of the regulars were fat and therefore convinced myself that spin class makes you fat and I am better off with out it.

My birthday is August 5th. Just saying.

My birthday is August 5th. Just saying.

24) Aside from humor, a guy who brings their SOCK A-GAME is a huge turn on for me. I mean sock swagger is SO TELLING of a personality. It’s nice to see a guy who doesn’t stop caring at his waste…or ankles…

I'M YOURS!!!!!!!

I’M YOURS!!!!!!!

25) I was in AEPHI for 2 years. That is, until I was sent to standards for having alcohol in my room. That’s when it was pretttttttttttttttttty clear it was not for me. In addition, “many hearts, one purpose” sounds like a mormon polygamist suicide mission. A little weird right? Well in any case, fun while it lasted so I figured I’d give those chicks a shout out. WHY WASN’T REBECCA MARTINSON IN OUR HOUSE?! She shoulda been. Epic fail on Maryland’s AEPHI rush chair. LML, bitches!!!!

The good ole dayz.

The good ole dayz.

So, hopefully you all learned something new about me. Maybs 25 things? Wild guess. I could think of a ton more but I’ll save it for another day. I’m tired, and to be honest, sometimes blogging is fucking annoying. So quit your bitching and stop tweeting me complaints that I don’t post enough. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT AHOLES. Thanks!


24 comments on “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me. Because US Weekly Didn’t Call.

  • Always knew you were awesome and this post confirmed it. PS my birthday is also August 5th and I totes agree about the gym. Ew.

  • I also DESPISE raw onions! People are always like “so what, you don’t like them, there’s just a few on this burger…” And I say, it’s a FOOD AVERSION people, my entire body rejects them. Disgusting. Thanks for validating this for me!

  • Don’t think that just because I don’t know how to tweet doesn’t mean I won’t continually text you and bother you to update this. (Wow there were like 7 double negatives in that sentence.) Excellent job–Quick turnaround and quality work.

  • On number 2, when I was around 2 years old my family went to Orlando studios and we ended up at sea world. There was some sort of fish character and a clown going around playing with all the kids too dumb to realize characters are terrifying. They started heading for me and my parents kept trying to give them the international hand signal to not get any closer. Next thing you know, the fish thing is in my face, I’m crying, and they’ve put me on the big screen and a bunch of native floridians behind us are laughing and my dad had to tell them to shut up. To this day, I still hate characters and floridians.

  • No one will need to remind you to have confidence, or so it really does seem. Would you really pick xanax as your rx drug of choice? The Possessionista joke about your dress being made of Adderall (one time on bachelor) wasn’t from her second hand knowledge, right? Do u really think dope is Amanda’s drug of choice? Do u think the bachelor franchise is serious about no more Bachelor Pad? Lots of input desired. One last thing–I think the bird fear is pretty surprising, not that I have an indoor bird like ceelo above but really, that scared huh…well revealing info.

    • Bachelor Pad better not be gone forever. My hope is that they move it to E! or some other home that might be more appropriate than ABC. Xanax is not my drug of choice because anti anxiety meds make me act like a zombie and then I suck and am no fun. I don’t take adderall ;) but I’m all for it!!! Amanda’s drug of choice is probably weed mixed with pain killers and some sort of mental illness that this combination is bringing to the surface. But honestly, who knows. It’s all so strange that she literally went from so normal and not a partier and out of the spotlight to this legit insane person. It makes no sense!!! it kills me. I wanna know so badly what it is. And yes, PETRIFIED of birds. I scream on the sidewalks on a regular basis if a flock of pigeons comes towards me.

  • Okay, so deathly afraid of birds over here. I hate when they get anywhere near me and I am terrified of them. Are you in this club too? If so I think you might be in one of my ‘brat friend buckets’

  • I need more deets on this whole hair extension biz. Are they sewn in? Clip ins? How do these things work? How much do they cost? Where do you get them done? BLOG POST. DO IT! Kthanksbaiii


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