So, like, for SOME ungodly reason US Weekly has not approached me to do an exclusive “25 Things You Don’t Know About Jaclyn Swartz” piece (I’m looking at YOU Jen Peros…). I meeeeeean, if you are going to do one on Ryan Lochte, then everyone should have a fair chance of being selected. He probably just wrote “there is much more to me than swimming,” 25 times over.
ANYWAY, ugh, I guess if they aren’t going to do one on me, I feel like it’s my duty to write one myself. As if you haven’t learned enough about me from Bachelor…Bachelor Pad…Facebook…Twitter…Instagram…Four Sqaure…Snap Chat…Vine…here is some more!
1) I despise, I LOATHE raw onions. It’s the smell – they just smell absolutely rancid. I can smell it from a mile away. Outside, inside, doesn’t matter, get those effing things away from me. If you eat them, I judge you. If you eat them in my vicinity, I yell at you. I have hissy fits in the office when I can smell it. They aren’t allowed to be eaten in my apartment, and my coworkers have stopped (FOR THE MOST PART, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) putting them on their salads. Also, why would you CHOOSE to eat raw onions? They make you smell awful. Seriously, a cute girl eating onions? Get a grip, act like a lady. You nastay.
Sidenote: This condition ONLY applies to raw onions. RAW. If you grill em, sautee em, caramelize em…you’re golden!
2) I am PETRIFIED of “Characters.” When I was little, my parents took us to Disney World, and we had dinner in one of those Disney Hotels – where the Characters would walk through the restaurant and say hi to all the tables and kids. I was THAT child that was screaming and shrieking and ruining everyone else’s family fun at what is supposed to be the happiest place on earth. NO EFFING CHANCE. Now, when I still see them (and there are a ton in times square) I veer the other way and walk really fast to pass them. I CANNOT look them in the eye. I also can’t really put my finger on why I am so scared of them. Because, in all seriousness, I am totally cool with the fact that the man underneath the costume is a pedophile rapist murderer. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest! It’s more so something about the costume and the fact that they come at you with weird movements and no voice.
3) I have a mental disorder called Twitter anxiety. I have serious freak outs when I lose twitter followers. My coworkers are the ones that have to deal with it. It’s a real thing. It’s like, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!?!?!? If I tweet too much, I lose em. If I don’t tweet, I lose em. When I’m brilliantly funny, I friggin lose em. Ashley Tisdale could tweet a picture of a white wall and get 9409503247829 favorites and retweets. WHAT GIVES?! Another annoying thing I do? Brag when my klout score goes up. Ya know, that fake scale of social media coolness that means absolutely nothing and gives you the shittiest of shitty perks ever? Ya, that.
4) I LOVE KELLY CLARKSON. When Kell got engaged I was happier than when a lot of people I personally know got engaged. I mean, all those years people thought she was a lesbo! Shame on you. People criticizing her weight! Shame on you. Kell doesn’t give a dog fak. She just is who she is, and continues to make AMAZE songs. Voice of an angel. In the words of Christina “You’re beautiful, just the way you are (Kell).” Note: this does NOT apply to Christina herself.
5) My first concert ever was New Kids On The Block with my Dad. I was OBSESSED with Joey MacIntyre. If you were a Jordan Knight kinda girl, EW. That’s like being a J.C. girl. A Kevin girl. A Slater girl. Same diff. Who ever goes for the 2nd best? Oh wait, I know who does…underachievers and losers. ANYWAYS…20 years later, I sat next to Joey at a KELLY CLARKSON CONCERT! We chatted. My 7 year old self was peeing on herself. My 27 year old self wanted to jump his bones. Neither happened. Good and bad I guess. Whatevs.
6) I HATE WATER. If you love water, you are lying. It’s tasteless, and so are you. I drink it solely to avoid hospitalization for dehydration. Someone once told me it’s essential or some shit.
7) While the local news drives me absolutely crazy – I think it’s the funniest thing in the world. Are these news anchors for real?! Some of the stories they come up with are so mindnumbingly stupid. I mean, I am convinced that they hire drunk homeless people to drum up their headlines. Is there any way we can cancel the local news?
Ok let’s NOT cancel the local news. I take that back. In a very serious way.
7) I am OBSESSED with good girls gone bad. And no, not the RiRi kind. She’s just a good girl making bad decisions. Amanda Bynes: Case & Point. I am so obsessed with her, I wouldn’t think it was weird if she got a restraining order against me. I talk about her ALL the time. I lose sleep over her well being. I lose sleep over the fact that I haven’t run into her yet. I lose sleep over wondering how she managed to get camel toe in baggy white sweatpants. Where did she purchase her plastic adidas sandals? Lady Foot Locker? Why did she put stones in her face? Why does she think she’s fat? Why is one eye always half closed and the other rolling into the back of her head? Why does she have conversations with herself? Why does she only like her apartment to be lit with red light bulbs? GURL I’D CRY TOO IN GYMNASTICS CLASS IF MY WIG FELL OFF WHEN I TRIED TO DO A CARTWHEEL. It’s obvious I need to do a whole post dedicated to this girl.
8) I love funky nail polish colors. You would not see me caught dead in ballet slippers, cotton candy, or any other color that should be called “boring” or “suzi says boring.” YOU ARE WHAT YOU HAVE ON YOUR NAILS. Achem, right now, I am wearing “Butler Please.”
9) I get my shine on. I am obsessed with sequins, glitter & rhinestones. I also had a minor stroke when playing marry, fuck, kill with these 3 things. It is also sick that I played that game based on sparkles. I should find a hobby. And now that you are all curious…Marry: Rhinestones, Fuck: Sequins, Kill: Glitter. If you don’t understand how you can marry, fuck, or kill these items, take a hike.
10) I live my life in organized chaos. When things are put in their appropriate places, I CAN NEVER FIND IT. So, I prefer a little mess. I do clean, but usually for the cleaning lady. One of life’s more perplexing anomalies.
11) While my beautiful long tresses are stunningly gorgeous, I cannot take the credit. Because it ain’t mine. I have extensions. They are a life changer. DO IT. Get them. Don’t eat for 3 weeks to pay for em…whatever you need to do. DO it. I also have serious hair envy. This could potentially be 2 separate things about me, but since I enjoy talking about myself, I wanted to save a number.
12) THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE.
13) I have a lot of best friends. Just got so many of dem bitches that I gotta bucket them. CATEGORIES people. My best friend from camp, home, college, bachelor, work, the city. SO, when I am constantly saying “she’s my best friend” – just ask from which bucket if you want to know the deets.
15) Which brings me to the fact that I only hang out with pretty people. I want my friends to be good looking. Bottom line. Why would you want to hang out with uglies? You are who your friends are. They are a representation of YOU. It allllllllllllll comes back to yourself. If you hang out with ugly people, that SCREAMS you are insecure. So does changing your profile picture 287 times a day. And you know whats gross? Insecurity.
16) I have a shopping problem, so join me why don’t you? Peruse my virtual closet here: https://www.stylitics.com/JaclynSwartz
17) I am a straight up weirdo. I recently received the below screen grab from my friend Kelly with a text reading “What is wrong with you.” A humbling moment, maybs. But you know what’s wrong with me? Nothing. When I find something I’m obsessed with, I over-like. Get over it. Maybe one day it will be you.
18) The sound of people clipping their nails does not bother me in the slightest when it is coming from a bathroom. Change up the bathroom scenery and the noise of someone clipping their nails (i.e. in their office) could make me have a heart attack. If you DO clip your nails outside of a bathroom, you are most likely a creeper and probably eat your boogers.
19) That reminds me….I HATE taking the subway. And please don’t push me into the tracks. I stand far behind the yellow line so this doesn’t happen to me. At least push the asshole who’s standing close to the ledge!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!
20) I love cheese. CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE. “My favorite’s gouda!”- Viola as her twin bro Sebastian (Love ya Bynes, unblock me??)
21) I am the best tuner outter on the face of this earth. It’s mostly because I am too wrapped up in my own shit and I am also fairly disinterested in what you have to say. Unless I can somehow turn the conversation back on me, chances are I’ve tuned you out, like 5 minutes ago ya ding dong.
22) My favorite candy is Sour Patch Kids. Since the package says fat-free, they are also good for you and part of the essential food groups.
23) Speaking of candy, I don’t work out. SUCKERS! I tried to work out for like a month about 4 years ago — I got through 2 weeks of going to the gym and COULDN”T STAND washing my hair that much. So I stopped. I went to one Soul Cycle class about a year ago, and while I died and my vj was sore for weeks, I observed that most of the regulars were fat and therefore convinced myself that spin class makes you fat and I am better off with out it.
24) Aside from humor, a guy who brings their SOCK A-GAME is a huge turn on for me. I mean sock swagger is SO TELLING of a personality. It’s nice to see a guy who doesn’t stop caring at his waste…or ankles…
25) I was in AEPHI for 2 years. That is, until I was sent to standards for having alcohol in my room. That’s when it was pretttttttttttttttttty clear it was not for me. In addition, “many hearts, one purpose” sounds like a mormon polygamist suicide mission. A little weird right? Well in any case, fun while it lasted so I figured I’d give those chicks a shout out. WHY WASN’T REBECCA MARTINSON IN OUR HOUSE?! She shoulda been. Epic fail on Maryland’s AEPHI rush chair. LML, bitches!!!!
So, hopefully you all learned something new about me. Maybs 25 things? Wild guess. I could think of a ton more but I’ll save it for another day. I’m tired, and to be honest, sometimes blogging is fucking annoying. So quit your bitching and stop tweeting me complaints that I don’t post enough. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT AHOLES. Thanks!