Ladies…ladies…ladies…WHERE do I begin with this post? BRACE YOURSELVES.
Ya know how I wrote that killer post on my deal breakers? Well, a lot of my guy friends happened to read it, and got extremely riled up about it. So, I decided to open a can of worms, because as you know, I’m a shit stirrer, and decided to challenge them. If you are SOOOOOOOO fired up about my deal breakers, which were all VERY rational (yet changeable! we accept change, guys!), then I will allow you to use my blog as a forum for retaliation & and telling me/us what your deal breakers are.
I am a witty, funny, cool…(the list goes on)…chick. So, its purrrrdy obvious that my guy friends are witty, funny, and cool too…OH AND DID I MENTION THE MEANEST MOST CRITICAL HUMAN BEINGS ON EARTH! It’s good to finally realize this, only by asking for a list of their deal breakers.
In all honesty, I gasped when reading through some of their posts. Mainly because I do, like, 99.9% of the things on their lists. The other reason for the gasps was far too many vaginally centric deal breakers that had me borderline vomiting in the cup of my hands. Which are currently adorned with gothic nail polish. MORE ON THIS LATER.
The beauty of this all? They trusted me with their deal breakers. Out of respect for these dudes, and mostly so they don’t go spilling shit about me to other websites, I am going to keep their identities anonymous. Oh, and I guess their friendship is kind of important too. Though, judging by twitter, if I lost them, I could probably gain new friends in negative 5 seconds…but then again, I’d probably end up murdered in a bush on a beach in Long Island or some shit.
Also, a slight edit to the theme here. I asked them for deal breakers, but since I’m guilty of most, I am going to call them “pet peeves.” AHHHH having your own blog is so much fun!
Without further ado…here are some male “pet peeves” that I received from some pretty funny, chauvanistic, cocky, and cool john does. PS – I had to censor some of the vulgar “pet peeves” — mainly because if I looked at the word “beefchops” one more time, I was going to literally keel over and die. (just did).
I will insert commentary where necessary so that I can stick up for myself, and most likely you guys.
PET PEEVES JON (hint, this dudes name is JON) DOE #1:
1) wearing dark nail polish just because it’s the winter: Hey babes, listen up- just because the weather is miserable and no one likes going out, that’s no excuse for you to make things less fun for the fellas. Wear a fun nail polish color. At least make us think that even though you don’t like going out in the snow that you aren’t a completely goth hermit.
JAC RESPONSE: While I always like to go funky with my nails (greens, blues, purples etc): Lincoln Park After Dark 4eva. Suck it.
2) text macking with way too many exclamation points!!!!: Look, it may be pretty exciting that it’s your bff’s b-day this weekend and you can’t wait to celebrate, but really, ‘can’t wait for dinner!!’ is just inappropriate. I doubt you’re texting your friends the morning after, saying, ‘i gave him a blowjob!!!’ — so why are you texting us the morning before saying, ‘so excited for sushi!!”?
JAC RESPONSE: I really appreciate the analogy here. I really do. However, I don’t do this and full-heartedly agree with you, JD#1. It’s weird and enthusiasm grosses me out because you are CLEARLY trying to hard.
3) trying to convince a dude that you really know football: Look, the fellas love sports, and we really appreciate how much ladies get into NFL games; look real sexy dressed up in the gear and are willing to spend all day at the bar boozing with us watching our squad- total chick points added on to your cumulative score. However, just because you watch 6 hours of football every Sunday there is absolutely no way you know anything about football compared to one of us. You can totally understand how the game works, but don’t even try to make-believe that you can discuss the pros and cons of running the spider 2 y banana versus a naked bootleg- you are a girl, and you have the powers of persuasion on your side (read: a vagina), just look cute, root for the home team and shut the fuck up.
JAC RESPONSE: I worked in sports for 3 years and love talking football..however, I have no idea what the eff a banana split play is. You have now succeeded in shutting me up on Sunday’s forever more. You win on this one.
4) make your bed: As much as we love girls who have shaved their Geena Davis to look like a pure virgin 9 year old prairie farmer’s daughher, nothing screams ‘i am not self sufficient and therefore unable to adequately take care of myself or my man’ more than going to a girl’s apartment and having a bed that isn’t made. step up your game, babe.
JAC RESPONSE: You just called a vagina a Geena Davis! I LOVE YOU!
5) wearing any lipstick, ever: Nothing is sexier than a girl that looks sexy without trying. nothing screams ‘i’m trying way too hard’ more than a bright magenta lipstick color that no normal human being is born with.
JAC RESPONSE: I EFFING LOVE LIPSTICK. I CAN’T, I WON’T I JUST CANNNNN’T GIVE IT UP. (the caps was me freaking out). Also, I took a survey the other day about clothes, and it asked me “Who I dressed for” — my answer was girls. It’s effed up. Like seriously.
6) posing with the fishy face in more than one picture: Look, the fish face is adorable. just like Michelle Tanner’s how rude, some things are undeniably cute. Having said that, one pic with the squishy lips face is totally acceptable, admittedly arousing in a weird way. However, if you’re instagram account has like 6 pictures with this pose, you are straight up weird.
JAC RESPONSE: Is fishy face the same thing as duck face? If not, TRIPLE PHEW. Because I totes have like 20 pics with some duck face.
7) going on a tropical vacation and not posting bikini shots: I’ll admit, this is 100% a creeper admission on my behalf. Having said that, you went to the Riviera Maya last week? couldn’t care less about the hanger steak you ate. You went to the Riviera Maya last week? let’s see those itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini selfies, i mean it’s only fair.
JAC RESPONSE: This kills me on so many levels. First off, great writing. You must have gotten an A+ in creative writing! Also, there will always be a bikini shot featured, however, no selfies. I always tried to limit the amount of kini shots because I didn’t want to be obnoxious . However, now that I know it’s socially acceptable, I will make an effort to post more. Thanks for the life tip!
8) pictures of starbucks misspelling your name: Look, no offense to the blue collar staff that starbucks has, but they work there for a reason. Your name is jamie, but they spell it jaymie, jaime, jaymee, janie, or j’mie? No one cares.
JAC RESPONSE: But it’s soooooooo annoying, Jaclyn is SO EASY! Never ONCE have they gotten it right. Mind boggling. No more misspelled photos, but can I pretty please just post ONE photo when they actually get it right!? Please??? (this is me begging).
9) having bangs: When girls are 6 years old, it’s true that bangs look adorable. When girls are 6 years old, it’s also true that no one normal wants to have sex with them. If you have bangs now, it means that a- you are covering up wrinkles on your forehead and think we wouldn’t be hip to this act of trickery, or b- you forgot that bangs aren’t cute and have no interest in having sex with a dude this year.
JAC RESPONSE: This is not the first time I have heard this – HOWEVER thanks for your male perspective on why we as girls get bangs. WRONG AND WRONG. But ey, this is some good insight, even though I like bangs, wahhh.
PET PEEVES JOHN DOE #2:
1) When we buy dinner or throw a compliment your way…please just thank us in a normal way instead of using that high pitch voice. Is this the first nice thing a guy has ever done for you? First and last time you’ll ever get a compliment. I think i found out why you’re still single.
JAC RESPONSE: HA! I agree here. Any type of voice that resembles a whiny baby voice is cringeworthy for ANYONE who is forced to endure it.
2) Dont start your text convo with “hi” “hey stranger” or anything like that. There’s a reason why you didn’t get a text back — to begin with, “you’re boring”. Lets get some wit!
JAC RESPONSE: Agree again, JD #2! On point. “Hey Stranger” is so passive aggressive and sooooo 2001. Girls, you gotta go with something like “Call me, I’m preggo!”
PET PEEVES JOHN DOE #3:
JAC: JD #3 only has 1 “deal breaker” that he is clearly VERY passionate about:
UGG boots. I. Fucking. Hate Them. They are filthy garbage sponges that harbor colonies of fungus building bacteria and germs. But they’re stylish, right? No. They are FUGGly. “Oh, it’s snowing! I’m going to wear my uggs!” STUPID! For some reason, girls are convinced that because they fit into the category of “boots” that they should be worn in foul weather. WRONG. They should all be thrown into a huge fire. Have you SEEN nyc after a snowstorm? Every corner is just another opportunity for those things to pick up a few more ounces of DISGUSTING city sludge, soak your toes in grime, and then bring it into your now-atrocious apartment. Deal breaker!
Ladies and Gents, round of applause for the…UGG BOOTS SERIAL KILLER! (Sidenote: I effing hate them too, but wow, not this much!)
PET PEEVES JOHN DOE #4:
Preface from JD#4: Dunno why I used the F*ck off format, other than the fact that I felt that much passion each time I finished one of these.
1) If you rock the bushy eyebrow look because you think it’s beautifully natural…F*ck off. Unless of course you are Megan Fox or Penelope Cruz.
JAC RESPONSE: Courtney Robertson’s eyebrows are ahhhmazing. Agree to disagree.
2) If you have numerous “super close guy friends” that are better looking than me…F*ck off! They all want to bang you now, and pretty soon when our sex gets monotonous (and it will), you will want to bang them back.
JAC RESPONSE: Someonnnnnnnnne’s a little insecure.
3) Two words: Mom-cut
JAC RESPONSE: duh. I think it’s weirder you put this on the list as if it’s a real thing – like why would you even hang out with a female who has a mom cut?
4) If you think I’m impressed by your rendition of the Cupid Shuffle, Jump on it, or the Cha Cha Slide…F*ck off! Go find a tie dance at your cousin’s Bar Mitzvah.
JAC RESPONSE: I feel the use of AMENNNNNNNN! is appropriate here.
5) If you can’t make a pair of Hard Tails make your ass look decent…F*ck off!
JAC RESPONSE: I am no longer 17, and therefore don’t wear “hardtails” anymore. However, my ass looks effing great in leggings, or nothing at all. All set here.
6) If you think we’re going on more than three dates before I get my rocks off from something other than an OTPHJ…F*ck off!
JAC RESPONSE: You had me at your use of the acronym OTPHJ.
7) If you claim to be close friends with any A-list celebrity…F*ck off! If you claim to be close friends with any B-list celebrity…F*ck off twice!
JAC RESPONSE: What about Z list? (cough, cough)
8) If you think it’s weird that I want to dry hump you while you are wearing pair of your college-logo sweatpants…F*ck off. It’s completely normal.
JAC RESPONSE: Noted. Respect.
9) If you still cut the top off of your blue jeans…F*ck off! However, if you still claim you were the one that started that trend, please jump off the top floor of Forever 21…or Wet Seal.
JAC RESPONSE: Oh JD#4…girls don’t do this anymore — I DON’T THINK!? But you earn extra points for knowing about forever 21 and wet seal. However, let’s be clear here. Forever 21 has cute stuff. Wet Seal, on the other hand, should be blown up.
10) If I take you to iKea, help you pick out a coffee table, build that coffee table at your apartment, and you don’t at least blow me…F*ck off! (I’m still very bitter about this one).
JAC RESPONSE: I am sorry that you had a shitty ex girlfriend. Let me know if you ever need to talk about it.
11) If you want me to open the door for you, pay for your dinner, recite the alphabets on your genitals, but still want equality in the workplace and for me to contribute my fair share to the domestic chores of our apartment…seriously…F*ck off! (You’re lucky we let you vote).
JAC RESPONSE: Yes, Master.
WELL – There you have it. Some male insight. Hey, my deal breakers were shallow and crude, because it’s truly how I feel. Glad I allowed these guys to give a good rebuttal.
Either take em to heart or don’t…but if you don’t, just remember, you clearly have no effing shot with these guys. I think it’s better I kept them anonymous, for THEIR sake, considering most of the people who read this site are girls.
In the words of the Spice Girls (I’m Posh, sorry all): GURLLLLLLLLLLLLLL POWAAAAAAAAA.