One day, I will be pregnant, and it’s going to suck. Bloated, swollen feet, feeling like you have to pee every 5 seconds, not being able to sleep on your stomach (WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?!), no heels, ugly clothes, stretch marks, getting fat……shit I just gave myself a full fledged panic attack. Isn’t it funny when people say pregnancy is “beautiful,” or that pregnant women have a “glow.” LIES. Effing LIES. And I will be that bitch of a pregnant woman who calls you out on your bullshit. SAVE IT FOR THE WORKSHOP CHARLIE.

Take pregnancy, smash it up with Kim Kardashian, and fellas, we’ve got ourselves a winner. Now, her ass is just flat-out disgusting on any given Tuesday. But with a little dickwad Kanye growing inside of her? – I couldn’t deny that I became even more obsessed with her ass and its progression in becoming its very own continent.

No white dude would know what to do with that ass pregnant-less. Now Kanye has 99 problems and that ass is most definitely, absolutely, positively, ONE.

Now, I am not going to get into a fat debate on the interweb, because, let’s face it, I already have enough haters…but needless to say, it’s obviously that pregnant people don’t “choose” to be fat…it just kinda happens. Luckily for Kim, she can go on Jenny Craig after this, lose the inevitable 100 pounds she is going to gain, and make another 2 million dollars for being a slut who has *very* sub par sex skillz. Just watch the video. Sorry Kanye, this is the only time I actually feel bad for you. George Bush DOES like black people! Taylor Swift, while annoying as fuck, DID win that award!

In any case, this is all the lead up to the most amazing, hysterically ingenious picture/side by side I have EVER seen. And that says a lot if you have played my I Spy game with Lindsay Lohan. Low and behold, my new fave obsession to make fun of…Pregnant Kim Kardash.

you’re welcome.

I am hoping Kim continues to let herself go so we can just see how large the human ass can actually get. Kind of like a biology experiment if you will.

In addition…as Kim and Kourtney continue to “take Miami” aka mope around the most fun city like 2 duds on quaaludes rubbing breast milk on themselves….this was happening:

standing is SO hard.

me like cookies & lunchables.

This is apparently what happens to Rob when his girlfriend cheats on him with 20 guys. He gets some disease that makes you obese, in like, 6 days.

Thank god when guys break up with me the last thing I want to do is eat. It’s basically the only time I can ever give up food. Great cycle though. Get broken up with –> don’t eat –> look hotter than you did with the last asshole –> find new asshole –> rinse and repeat until you waste away. Git ya some!

Also while K&K were taking Miami/bitching and complaining that their hotel was too “small” and not “private enough” (LIKE SERIOUSLY! 2 biggest debs on earth. Kris should be thanking his lucky star)…this was happening:

courtesy of tvguide.com

PSYCHE. That’s just Khloe erryday.

Isn’t it crazy to think that Bruce turned out to be the best one?

Looking forward to tracking Kim’s pregnancy over the next 6 months!

XX

Jac